Gould closing to pedestrians
In response to student-led campaigns and growing safety concerns, Ryerson has announced plans to close off Gould Street to pedestrian traffic.
“It has become clear that cars and people cannot use Gould [street] at the same time,” said Ryerson transportation minister Larry Kossler. “After hours of careful consideration and two seperate orders of Salad King, we decided that removing the people would be best for everyone.”
Gould connects Yonge Street with Church Street, running right through the heart of Ryerson’s campus. During peak class hours, the street is often overrun with students crossing every which way, creating impossible driving conditions for student commuters, cabbies, and that little Red Bull car.
Numerous student groups have called for Gould Street to become a
pedestrian-only roadway, but Kossler
feels banning pedestrians will be
just as effective.
“Closing the street to cars wasn’t feasible. Too many businesses and commuters rely on Gould,” he said, “studies show a pedestrian ban will cut commute time by up to 30 seconds. That’s nothing to sneeze at.”
“Besides, our plan to remove pedestrians will open the street up to various expansion plans.”
Those plans include replacing the existing sidewalk with more traffic lanes and increasing the speed limit
to 80 km/h.
“We’re currently working on solidifying the details with city officials,” said Kossler. “This is the beginning of a five-year plan to create what will be called the Ted Rogers Memorial Freeway: Canada’s shortest and least useful highway.”
Student reaction to the proposed closing has been largely negative, with one group named Students for a Green Gould Street calling for a lie-in protest on the street. It’s a reaction that baffles Kossler and the department.
“I don’t understand it,” said Kossler. “I thought they didn’t want to get run over. Lying down in the middle of a freeway is a very good way to get yourself hurt.”
Gould Street’s sidewalks are set to close after a ceremony on Friday commemorating the rich history of the street.
“It should be a wonderful event,” said Kossler. “At the end, we will chase the crowds off the street with a fleet of go-carts. Police will be present to arrest any stragglers. I can’t wait.”

Comments
Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
absolutely hilarious...omg...awesome.
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
what are you serious!! (hahaha lols yay Chris!!)
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
interesting
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
lol , closing Gould st and lowering tuition fee's , 2 things that will never happened and 2 things they have to stop fighting for, its a waste of money fighting for these 2 things ,
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
“I don’t understand it,” said Kossler. “I thought they didn’t want to get run over. Lying down in the middle of a freeway is a very good way to get yourself hurt.”
This part made me laugh out loud.
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
So funny, great writing and great sense of humour. I loled.
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
umm so how are we supposed to get to class over a freakin FREEWAY
they are insane
cars should be removed NOT pedestrians
this is ridiculous
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
^
Satire: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
Not exactly university edumacated eh
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
^
haha dont be so mean. Its a joke bud, the article is a satire.
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Anonymous, about 1 year ago said:
I wonder if me not immediately realizing that this is satire till months later while seeing this for a second time is an indication of how gullible I am or a lack of faith in humanity.... I do believe peoples priorities are skewed enough for this to be possible.
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Anonymous, about 1 month ago said:
I love that Gould is getting closed, despite people thinking it would never happen.
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