By Anna-Maria Moubayed
With the upcoming federal election on Sept. 20 creeping ever closer, debate recaps and political analyses are flooding our timelines. News articles and video replays of what each candidate said, including their promises and all the questions they’ve failed to answer, make it abundantly clear that what we need is a new candidate composed of the best qualities of each contender: The perfect prime minister of Canada.
Justin Pierre James Trudeau
With his hip socks and charismatic looks, Trudeau has definitely put Canada and prime minister-ing into the cool and fun category on the international scale. His ability to pull off a beard as well as a clean shave is noteworthy; the more faces our leader has, the better. His graceful smile and lack of a dad-bod make him stand out against heads of state around the globe, even though his empty promises make him as pretty and as hollow as IKEA storage furniture.
Erin Michael O’ Toole
O’Toole’s overwhelming physical similarity to Charlie Brown is sure to work in his favour. Being reminded of that lovable character will bring many Canadians a sense of comfort and joy during each national address. O’Toole also plans the best surprises! His flip-flop on the issue of gun control is sure to make him a great surprise party planner. Planning surprise parties is a crucial skill every prime minister should have; how else can the electorate be kept on their toes?
Jagmeet Singh Jimmy Dhaliwal
While Trudeau struggles with printer access, Singh has shown excellent understanding of the power of technology through his TikTok posts. He’s amazing at reaching the under-18 voter base, realizing that focusing on youth instead of people who will likely pass away soon will guarantee him an army of followers in the coming years. Being as forward-thinking as Singh is an admirable attribute in a prime minister.
Other than always having the most insightful stories to tell, Paul has a calm, soothing voice. There could be a fire in her own kitchen and she would remain cool and composed. This soothing voice captures the attention of the country and makes them listen to what she has to say—exactly the kind of skill the perfect prime minister should have. This nation absolutely needs someone like Paul to tell us bedtime stories while our homes gracefully burn down to the ground in luminous flames.
French accent <3, that’s all.
Having not been invited to this year’s federal leaders’ debate, the poor man has been struggling with a serious case of FOMO. Still, he does possess key elements of what constitutes a perfect prime minister. It’s no secret that Bernier is the candidate with the best hair. After receiving an all-natural, transformative hair mask earlier this month, he’s sure to have the softest and shiniest hair. Prime ministers should always look well-groomed and neat, and Bernier’s beautiful locks will leave citizens grateful that they have something to concentrate on other than the things he says.