By Dylan Marks
Disclaimer: If you believe any of this story is real, then your gullibility is amore than I can handle.
I’m not one to brag—though I do own four air fryers—but my two weeks studying abroad were insane! I hit up all the best clubs, watched Crazy Rich Asians on the plane, studied here and there and did so much shoplifting I could be considered an international criminal!
When I first told my parents I was thinking of studying abroad, my dad asked for her name and my mom was fully supportive. So I packed my very expensive Louis Vuitton Alzer 75 bag (you don’t even want to know how much she cost) and headed off to Italy!
When I stepped off the plane and into that sweet Italia—as we locals call it—air, it felt like coming home. Even though I never fully learned the local lingo—something Italian-y I’m sure—I felt one with the culture after my two-week stay.
During my time at the University of Bologna, I met so many kooky characters, including my roommate Giuseppe Luigi De Luca Romano Ricci Provolone. He had the inside scoop on the Italian scene.
The knowledge he carried amazed me to the point where I couldn’t keep my deepest question to myself. I asked him how accurate the depiction of Italy was in the critically acclaimed 2011 film Cars 2. He insisted that it was the weakest of the three, which resulted in a heated hours-long debate.
During my first week, we spent quite a bit of time doing actual schoolwork, which was not my intention when applying to “study” abroad. After a long day of work, I would always take a quick sonnellino, as we say, or nap as you plebeians would say. Words like sonnellino and prego are just some of the ones I picked up while I bathed in the light of the Italian sun (or sole as we locals call it).
There I go again, calling myself a local. Even though I grew up in St. Jacob’s, Ont., I just can’t help but feel overwhelmingly connected to the roots I planted on this trip!
At the end of the first week, Giuseppe and I hit up Italy’s best pizza spot, an exotic venue called Little Caesars. This place was one of a kind, there were insane amounts of cheese and a little orange guy with a spear on the box. Everything was so…hot…and ready!
After we “downed that cheese like Remy,” a phrase I coined back when I was in Paris, we headed back to our hotel and shared an intimate moment reflecting on everything we had learned so far. I told Giuseppe that I felt as if I was one with the soil, one with the sun sole and one with the air. While I did this, he continued arguing about the quality of Cars 2, saying that “Mater’s role was heavily overplayed,” but I digress. During week two, there was a lot less working and a lot more twerking. Giuseppe and I hit up every major club in Bologna, Italy: Caesar’s Salad, The Pope’s Dope, Tonic Soprano and Leonardo Da Vino’s with their speciality drink, the “Mona Lager.”
At our final stop, Italy’s hottest straight people club, The Cis-teen Chapel, we decided to end the night with a song from Italia’s best singer, Michael Bublé (only those who are cultured with rich Italian roots will know him).
As my time abroad was coming to an end, it began to dawn on me that I would soon have to return home and leave all my beautiful fratelli and sorelle here in Italy. Knowing this, it was time to travel the country and do one last thing before I left.
After saying ciao to Giuseppe and sowing my oats with a few vibrant and beautiful men that looked like Super Mario, I set my sights on one final goal: seeing all the places where the best movies from Italy were filmed. Since I had basically become an Italian through this trip, I knew I would truly be able to connect to these places. “When in Rome,” right!? Literally!
As I travelled from the highest point of Mont Blanc to the lowest secret sex dungeons under St. Peter’s Basilica, I knocked a bunch of movie locations off my bucket list. Cars 2, Madagascar 3, Luca and of course, A Turtle’s Tale 2: Sammy’s Escape from Paradise.
As I took my final look at the big round ancient-looking stadium building from that one movie, I took a swig from my travel Owala and hailed a cab to the airport with the Uber app on my iPhone 16 Pro Max.
At the airport I gazed out the window at the beauty of Italy. Everything this country has ever stood for was right in front of my eyes and I conquered it all in just two weeks.
Now that I’m back and have earned all this lived experience from my trip, I can honestly say I am a changed man. I believe I am no longer the person I was when I left for this trip two weeks ago. It may sound Sicily but I feel as though I am a canvas covered in the thick paint of experience, a freshly made margarita hurtling through the cosmos in search of salt for my rim, I am…Italia.
This trip helped me learn a few things. One, some people cannoli imagine how amazing this place is. Second, if you think you know Italy, you’re full of Bologna. And finally, even if you aren’t from somewhere, once you stay there for two weeks, you’re practically a local. So, if I could do it all over again, would I? Well, as us Italianos say, Sí!
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