By Writer at The Eyeopener
In a surprise move last night, RSU head Honcho-elect Paula Achievers stood up at a Board of Erectors meeting to blame the recent cold snap on the Election Procedures Committee.
“I know that Paul Weaselstein and Morticia Webb are behind this somehow. They’re trying to freeze me out, they are,” said a drunken, sweary, rollerbloading, naked bicycle riding, magic doing, T-shirt wearin’ Achievers. “They figure cold students will want a student centre to get warm in.”
A stunned Weaselstein at first denied any wrong-doing, but when Achievers left for a washroom break, he burned an effigy of the rotund new-head cheese.
Students were shocked at the implication of a conspiracy.
“Holy shit,” said Astrology student Lance Cairo-Phillips. “It has been colder since the elections started.”
Later in the meeting, Achievers stood up to talk about arranging a date for the next meeting, but preambled his prepared speech with an interpretive dance about the tyranny of student centres.
The presentation outraged outgoing EI presidenté Mike D’ay-glo, who leaped across the table to beat Achievers over the head with a plaster Elvis bust.
“I stand by my actions,” D’ayglo said later. “That Achievers had it coming. He’s a bitch. You can quote me on that, really.”
Ryerson President Terry Grief could not be reached for comment.
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