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Summer films for the reality-impaired

Urban terror! Subway attacks! Bad-ass cops run amuck in New York City! It’s not the latest Die Hard, it’s C.N.N. For those who would rather than than catch up with the news, here’s your guide to the summers biggest hits:

Bouchard Forever: The chevalier noir battles the vilest fiends yet. Two Face (Jean Cretien) flips a coin to decide between his left- and right-wings, while The Riddler (Jacques Parizeau) has trouble coming up with just the right question. Special attraction: Preston in tights!

FuckthaHondas: Disney’s stirring musical about the trans-Pacific trade war. A hit soundtrack, music by Bill Clinton, lyrics by Congress. Watch for the new ‘Lazy American Worker’ ride at Tokyo Disneyworld!

Bobby Mnemonic: The ‘socially enhanced’ premier can hold up to three ideologies in his head, but can he get his message out by June 8? Early critics say “Vote Keanu.”

Judge Newtt: Years in the future, the crime-ridden shell of Washington, D.C. is ruled with one man’s iron fist. In a world where Alvin Toffler is God, vote Republican or die!

Forget Belgrade: Fireworks a-plenty in this off-beat romantic comedy. U.S. peacekeepers get cold feet when the Croats ask for commitment. Will the blue-hats stay, or go for a meaningless fling with some Serbian arms dealer. Rate AA (Acceptable Atrocity). 

Karla, the Friendly Witness: She haunts the suburbs and disappears without a legal trace! If she just wants to be loved, so why does everyone run away screaming? The marketing has already begun. 

Liquorworld: Already grossly over-budget. Torontonians head for the bars, to drink and figure out the mysteries of life. How did Kevin Costner get paid $175 million to sink sets off Hawaii? How can I vote without retching? Why does draught cost so much here? 

– Douglas Cudmore

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