The Right Hand of God: Christ versus the Coalition

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By Doug Cudmore

Jesus Christ has risen again. He’s a hard man to keep down. He’s rolling away the left-wing stone and appearing to his disciples down in Washington. Hallelujah and pass the Easter eggs, the Christian Coalition has been born to save the U.S.A. from its sinful ways.

It’s hard to think that a flat-broke Dead Sea man living on hand-outs would have much in common with a hyper-yuppie political wizard like the Christian Coalition’s head, Ralph Reed. Or his ally, Angel of Light Newt Gingrich, for that matter. In fact, when you read the holy mantra of the CC, it’s apparent that Reed’s religion has taken on values all its own. Take a bit of the Bible, a bit of Leave It To Beaver, add Ronald Reagan and you have Reed’s Ten Suggestions: The Contract with the American Family.

But the Contract seems to have little to do with today’s world, and even less to do with the teachings of a prophet from two thousands yers ago. By suggestion #3, you can hear Jesus rolling over in his tomb, or readying lightning bolts, or whatever.

Jesus said “blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.” Reed proposes prison-building as a job-creation program for the country with the highest rate of incarceration in the Western world. Bring back chain changes. Three strikes? Go to Hell.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” If you consider a refunneling of cash into the military complex the ideal path towards lion-lamb cohabitation, the new right is the most pacifistic movement in history. 

“Whosoever shall smite thee on thy left cheek, turn to him the other also.” And then, if he’s really bad, give him a lethal injection or the electric chair. If he’s just bad, extend his jail term. If he’s a stock broker, give him your portfolio.

“Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar’s.” Reed wants tax cuts for all the disciples — middle-class and up.

“When thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind.” The original commie, Jesus would have been blacklisted by McCarthy. The current Coalition wisdom: get fat while you still can.

“Judge not lest ye be judged.” Ralph Reed didn’t learn this lesson. Judge art, judge lifestyles, judge rap lyrics. So now we’re all free to judge the Christian Coalition. Jesus might have forgiven them, but for those with other religious beliefs, feel free to cast the first stones. 

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