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Bag O’ Crime: September 27, 1995

Bicyc-hell theft

A Ryerson bike thief made off with, well, a bike in what could be the longest bicycle-theft attempt in history. On September 15 at 11 a.m., Security received a complaint about a fellow scoping out bikes by the 350 Victoria Street bike racks. Security blazed on to the scene but didn’t see anyone particularly suspicious. There was no rest for the wicked and another report of someone hanging around the 44 Gerrard Street bike racks came in at 3 p.m. The suspicious one eluded security again but three hours later a community member reported a bike stolen. See kids, if you want something bad enough, you can have it. All you have to do is put your mind (and hacksaw) to it.

Hell-ephone booths

A cube van with an attitude crushed two phone booths on Gould Street on September 15. Luckily, the driver didn’t destroy any street chess boards, and with them, the only reason for living for the chess masters who frequent the bloody things daily. Metro Police showed up shortly after and spanked the shit out of the Bell employee-gone-horribly-wrong. 

Water slaughter

Church-going Rye students were horrified when their water was shut off at 8 a.m. on Sunday, September 17. A wacky exploding Gould Street water main was to blame for an unsanitary Lord’s Day on campus. Metro Toronto Works Department denied water to buildings in the vicinity.

Service was miraculously restored by 6:30 p.m. after an unconfirmed violation of the 11th commandment — “Thy shall flush on the Sabbath.”

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