Toronto Metropolitan University's Independent Student Newspaper Since 1967

All Fun & Satire

Horoscopes: September 27, 1995


A shape-shifting cyborg will come from the future to kill your adolescent son. You, your son and another cyborg from the future will join forces to defeat the killer machine. You will live happily ever after.


You will fall in love with a mishapen monster because he’s really a nice guy. You will reveal your love for him and he will transform into a prince. You will live happily ever after.


An extra-terrestrial alien’s ship will land in your garage. You will succeed in battling government agents, allowing the alien to return to its people. You will live happily ever after.


You will go to the opening of a large park that houses many species of dinosaurs. By a freak occurrence of nature, you will be stuck in the park fending for your life as the dinosaurs are freed from their cages. You will escape the island and live happily ever after. 


You and your partner will be sent to retrieve a mysterious briefcase from some hoods. You will succeed and nothing else will happen, except for lots of meaningless dialogue. Oh yeah, you’ll live happily ever after.


You and a band of spacefaring rebels will succeed in destroying a huge space station. You will live happily ever after, until the Empire strikes back.


Your family will leave you alone at home. You will spend your time defending your home from burglars and making sickeningly cute faces. You will live happily ever after, unless Michael Jackson gets ahold of you. 


You will fall in love with Rhett Butler on a plantation. He’ll carry you up some stairs and end up not giving a damn. But, you’ll live happily ever after. 


You, an archeologist, will fight Nazis in your quest to find the lost ark of the Covenant. You’ll get it, the Nazis will be defeated and you’ll get the girl. You will live happily ever after.


After fighting Nazis and saving the galazy, you’ll be convicted of your killing your wife. You will run from the law and search for a one-armed man. You’ll find him, your name will be cleared and you’ll live happily ever after.


Your parents will be killed by a common thug, prompting you to put on a rubber suit and pretend you’re a bat. You will fight crime. You won’t live happily ever after.


You will go out hunting for a big shark. The shark will destroy your boat, kill your friends and cause a generally extreme amount of havoc. Somehow you end up killing the damn thing and living happily ever after. That is until you star in a dismal show called Seaquest DSV.

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