Five guys, ten bars, and a mission of epic (Joycean, you could say) proportions.
by Mike Sexonesi and Chris Smyth
June 16, 1904: Stephen Dedalus and Leopold Bloom spend the day walking and drinking through the streets of Dublin in James Joyce’s classic novel, Ulysses.
Inspired by the challenge of doing their own intellectual bar crawl, five Eyeopener folk hit the streets of Toronto to recreate an Irish classic in Canada.
The rules were simple. The group starts walking west on Queen Street and must enter every bar they see and ask people if they have ever read the book. The five characters in The Eyeopener’s Ulysses are News Editors Tom Gierasimczuk and Mike Onesi, Entertainment Editor Pete Nowak, Production Manager-in-exile Chris Smyth and photographer John Kennedy.
7:20 p.m. The Rex 194 Queen Street West
The place is a hold. The group attempts to stop their sobriety with a jug of ‘50 ($10.25). Mike is scorned for ordering a fruity drink (cocktails $4.25)
A man with a steel briefcase sits alone at the bar. Chris approaches him with the group’s copy of Ulysses. He has never heard of the book but we get him to sign the inside cover.
When asked what’s inside his case, the balding 50-year-old responds, “$5.3 million in cocaine…uhhh…a bomb. Do you actually think you will survive this conversation?
The group hears a funky Quentin Tarantino soundtrack starting and decides to leave.
8:00 p.m. Twiggy 232 Queen Street West
The group orders a pitcher of Amsterdam beer ($12.50) and appropriately, it tastes like hash.
The place has typical art-deco-yuppie-bullshit style. Highlighting the bar is the waiter, a struggling actor who looks just like Jim Carrey.
Every order is answered with a facial tick and the cry of “sssmmmoken’” or “somebody stop me!” He’s never read Ulysses, but he signs our copy anyway.
Mike is the first member of the group to start slurring his words.
8:30 p.m. The Beverly 400 Queen Street West
Being so close to MuchMusic, the group is hoping to see a drunk Theresa Roncon.
Unfortunately, the five Eye guys have to settle for Steve Anthony.
MuchMusicSecret!!! — While hosting a show, Steve likes to drink Black Label at the Bev. Armed with a stopwatch he jumps up 20 seconds before he is to go on the air. He dodges the cabbies while crossing Queen Street on his way back to the studio. Tom has to be restrained from preventing Steve from returning to his show. Ever.
The video deejay claims to have tried to read Ulysses, but nobody believes him. Disillusioned by the lack of literary people Pete decides to buy a drink for the first person we find who has read it. Overall, Steve was a nice guy (sniff, sniff).
8:55 p.m. Chicago Diner 335 Queen Street West
The group is delighted by this establishment’s 2-for-1 shooter special. $20 buys eight shots of tequila. Pete fails the test by not knowing which comes first – the lemon or the salt. One patron earns a shot for having tried to read Ulysses. His girlfriend is scared.
The group meets Janine, a body pierced traveller who has been to Dublin, and seen several of the places described in the book. She has even read a bit of it.
9:10 p.m. SoHo Bistro 339 Queen Street West
Shhhhhhhh! The group tries to be quiet as they enter the restaurant. They fail miserably. Dirty looks come from all corners.
The hostess tries to dissuade the gang, but they sit at the bar and order Wild Turkey anyways.
The Sinead O’Connor-esque waitress has read Ulysses three times! She was cute – too bad she’s obviously not interested.
The round is expensive – $24 for four drinks.
The group is worried about John. He has stopped drinking in an attempt to be professional. Everybody laughs.
9:45 p.m. Black Bull 298 Queen Street West
“If we are going to get our ass kicked tonight, this is where it is going to happen,” says Peter as the group walks onto the patio of the biker bar.
Chris accidentally takes a leak in the women’s bathroom. “I wondered why the seat was down,” he would later recall.
We ask the leather-clad biker waitress if she has ever read Ulysses. Her first response is “that book is only for posers,” and then comes back minutes later to say the book “is just a random stream of consciousness anyways.” The table is impressed with her intellect, but not with her underarm hair.
One of the guys in the group confesses, “I jerked off behind this patio once.”
Chris walks over to a table full of bikers and asks them if they have ever read Ulysses. One rider looks at the book in disdain and says, “it’s five times thicker than Hustler!”
The group was able to find a biker whose cerebellum cell count is higher than his sperm count. The man has actually read Ulysses but described it as “a big let down.”
Mike, drunk and full of $12.50 jugs of liquid courage, screams quietly “I want to kick some pseudo biker ass because that is all that is here.”
10:10 p.m. Bamboo 312 Queen Street West
Hellooooo attitude!
There was no chance in hell the bouncer was going to let the drunken bunch of Joycians into a private Toronto Film Festival party that was going on inside.
We asked an employee of the festival if she has ever read Ulysses. “No and I read adamantly,” she retorts.
“Have you ever heard of James Joyce?” Mike asks.
“No. Who’s he? He couldn’t have written anything good if I’ve never heard of him.”
‘Nuff said.
10:20 p.m. ‘360’ 360 Queen Street West
The first thing Christ notices is “lots of chicks wearing black tight things.” A pitcher costs a reasonable $10.25, and we are provided with real pint glasses, but they were warm. Tom proves he is imparied by miscalculating how much to pour in everybody’s glass. Pete tries to abstain, but peer pressure makes him buckle.
The literary survey continues with Tony, a lead singer in a band appearing at the 360. “We’re like the Pogues. Except we’re not Irish” Tony hasn’t read Ulysses, but entertains us with a discussion of the CFL. He leaves with the comment “I am the King of the world today, so fuck you till midnight!”
10:50 Le Select Bistro 328 Queen Street West
“They are not too select if they let us in,” says a drunken Mike. Pete is deeply upset at the cost of beverages — $24 for four pints. No tip is left. It is decided not to go to any more places which use ‘bistro’ in their name. Mike retaliates for the cost of beer by refilling his glass from the taps when the bartender turns his back.
A literary type at the bar is reading a book from Asmov’s Foundation series. He hasn’t read Ulysses, but he was the Canadian Press’s correspondent in Vietnam from ‘67 to ‘69.
11:35 p.m. The Horseshoe Tavern 368 Queen Street West
Mike is so hammered he thinks he is in the Rivolli. The group finds a patron who has read Ulysses and John takes a snapshot. Nobody buys the fellow a drink. Things are a little hazy now and later no one can recall the cost of drinks, or whether or not they were even ordered.
11:45 p.m. The beautiful waitress from the SoHo bicycles past us and completely ignores our drunken calls of “Hey! Hey!…Hey!”
12:00 a.m. Cameron House 408 Queen Street West
An attractive little place resembling the Sistine Chapel. Tom is faring poorly, almost passed out. HE can’t find a washroom, so he urinates in a closet. A pitcher was ordered and consumed with no memory of the cost.
The absolute, hands down hottest little St. Lucian babe is alone at the bar in a white tank top. The group takes turns striking out with her. Chris doesn’t even get her name. Pete gets her name but a very cold shoulder. Mike walks up to the bar, slams down the book and states in a psychotic voice “Do you like the strong psychotic type?
“Huh?”
“The type of man who would kill somebody with their bare hands.”
“What?!?”
“Baby, we’ll never last,” Mike walks away in style.
Jonathan is still sober.
Tom is now sitting on the sidewalk, looking like an ad for Covenant House. Pete claims he is almost sober again. Chris can’t remember feeling much of anything at this point, except blind lust.
12:45 a.m. The Duke of Connaught Tavern 460 Queen Street West
A pitcher of Waterloo Dark comes and we feel intimidated. Cost is $9.00. Tom is gone from us now, sleeping in a parking lot of KFC. A lot of our beer is donated to some attracted underaged women. We leave our beer and the girls reluctantly. No one had even heard of James Joyce.
1:15 a.m. Screw James Joyce, the group now runs past the remaining bars to get to The Velvet Underground.
1:20 a.m. The Velvet Underground (no address available)
Satan’s personal favourite night club when he’s in Toronto. John flees in terror. Chris orders a beer and exclaims “I just lost two testicles looking at the bartender!” The remaining members of the group dance to and scope retro seventies chicks. a women standing alone in the corner is propositioned with the obok, but no one can recall what she said.
2:20 a.m. Chris capitulates to Mike’s incessant whining to go home. Pete is left on the dance floor in love with a blonde girl in bell bottom.
3:15 a.m. Tom is awaken by a streetcar driver. He has reached the end of the line and is now stuck in Etobicoke. He has no memory of getting on the street car.
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