By Marisa Pistillo
Downtown Yonge Street is always bustling with people; people eating, people shopping, people crossing the street, people hailing cabs, people doing just about everything short of hanging naked from the lamp posts.
The result of the human congestion at this infamous stretch of the downtown core is chaos. This is because people neglect to follow one of the simple rules of life: walk to the right.
Think about it. North America is a right-sided continent. We drive on the right side of the road, we shake hands with our right hand, and we stand on the right side while taking an escalator so that our quicker left counterparts can pass us and smoothly merge back into the right-sided swing of things.
But not everyone seems to follow this very basic pattern of thinking. Some people insist on forming a barrier for oncoming pedestrians by walking on the left side of the socially responsible citizens walking on the right. Taking the stairs down to catch the subway is like a sperm cell trying to fertilize an egg; many get killed off, but every once in a while a persistent little bugger will break through the neat-impenetrable wall.
I am convinced that the misuse of the left side is due to a deficiency in the curriculum of the public school system. Manners 101 dictates that people travelling in different directions should share the pavement in such a way that nobody bumps into anyone else. Thus, walk to the right. This very basic lesson in common sense has not taken hold in the herd of elephants stomping along the sidewalk; refusing to let people walking towards them take advantage of their prerogative to walk to the right, thus forcing them onto the street or through one of Eaton’s display windows.
In order to curb this colossal infringement on human rights, I am proposing the establishment of a complex system which would control the on-foot habits of Torontonians who frequent Yonge Street. Yellow lines should be painted on the sidewalks, dividing north-south bound traffic. A line of smaller fragmented white lines will create a right and left-hand lane on each side of the yellow line. In addition, all pedestrians must wear headbands with flashing right and left antennas to signal a lane change. If anyone is caught crossing the yellow line, thereby creating pedestrian traffic congestion or perhaps even a pedestrian pile-up, they will be charged with dangerous walking. Walking under the influence of drugs or alcohol will be an indictable offence, with a fine and possible jail terms. Walking privileges may also be suspended. There will be no age limit for walkers, however those under the age of eighteen will be encouraged to take a Walkers Ed course.
The Yonge Street Walkers Act, as it will be known, will contribute significantly to the betterment of society. Crime would be reduced because fewer scuffles would break out as the result of an irresponsible walker. The Pedestrian Patrol Unit would become the next Metro Toronto Police precinct, making jobs for fifty officers and two receptionists, not to mention the creation of a new branch of law school for aspiring lawyers to enrol in. Innocent walkers won’t get trampled on, which in turn means more hospital beds for people who are, say, dying. But perhaps the most significant effect of such a policy would be the reduction in profanity along Yonge Street.
The book All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten will be updated to include this. Justice will prevail for law-abiding right-side pedestrians. A harmonious society will emerge, and social order, which is disintegrating as I write this because of left-side walkers, will once again rear its head.
Marisa Pistillo is a third-year Journalism student. She can frequently be found beating the hell out of traffic cops and taking their jobs.
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