Choice movies for the scare impaired
By Dan Rozenson
As all of you know October the 31st is the time of the year known as Hallowe’en. For most people, this means going to some bulk store and buying their offspring the most flammable/synthetic piece-of-shit costume that is available. This is followed by the agonizing procedure of actually placing the screaming monsters into these outfits, followed by half an hour (or more, depending on the patience of the parent) of roaming the streets, ringing door bells and receiving candies and pastries dating back to Hallowe’ens of previous decades. If this sounds like fun to you, then you are officially an idiot and the reason for all that is wrong with the world. However, there is an alternative to this ordeal.
What you and your loved ones can do instead is the following: Turn off all the lights in the house and go downstairs to a candle-lit basement (this is not for mood, but to give the impression that there is no one home to all the trick or treating menaces). From this point on all you do is slide a tape into the video player, sit back and watch the screen. The following is a list containing some wacky horror flicks, perfect to for Hallowe’en viewing. The list is not in any order, for each one of these features is recommended.
Redneck Zombies, can only be described as genre bending: part “terrifying” horror flick, part hard-hitting political drama about life in the South, part fiery erotica. This is basically a movie about moonshine drinking zombies (it’s quite difficult to pinpoint when the zombie transformation occurs), with an occasional pair of breasts thrown in. Perfect for any 14-year-old boys learning about their changing bodies.
If its suspense you want, Criminally Insane is the one for you. A touching story of an overweight serial killer named Ethyl (score another point for the womyn’s movement), featuring a scene so filled with symbolism it would have made Fellini jizz like a machine gun. (Ed’s note: check out the sequel Crazy Fat Ethyl II)
In the scary little rascal monster genre, we find gems such as Basket Case, Leprechaun and Arthur (where the monsters are played convincingly by Dudley Moore and Liza Minelli). These always tell a story where the human spirit triumphs over incredible obstacles so extra Kleenex might be a good idea.
However, if terror from another planet is what you crave, the one against which all are judged is C.H.U.D. Words are useless in trying to describe this picture — nothing will prepare you for the experience.
When it comes to vampire movies, look for one thing and one thing only…George Hamilton. Hey, if you’re one third as suave a mother-fucker as George, then you can do no wrong, honey child!
There is a slew of “no sex utnil marriage” movies out there, where a teenage boy and girl decide to have sex and end up being hacked up by a psychopath. Progres is always being made in this dynamic field, including works such as Chopping Mall, Slumber Party and the critically acclaimed Sleepaway Camp series. The way in which the quality of these features is to be measured is by the number of brassiere-free females frolicking on the screen.
The final sub-genre encountered is the “radiation damage” category. The whole premise of these films are how radiation damage mutates perfectly normal human beings. Word of warning: some of these might be a tad political and are always guaranteed to spawn group discussion afterwards. The cream of the crop off course include: The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke ‘em High and Surf Nazis Must Die!. These films provide us with a sobering look at this world’s environmental situation, guaranteed to disturb even the most hard-boiled Greenpeace member.
When watching these movies, one might be intimidated by the complex dialogue, intricate plot and lush film making techniques. The audience must understand that these films were not made for the common folk (i.e. the cattle). If you are a truly love film , you’ll find these movies unlike any you’ve ever seen before. So cuddle up, pop some corn, press “play” and get ready for pure magic this Hallowe’en night.
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