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All Fun & Satire

Horoscopes: October 4, 1995 


You’ll finish your opponent with a big boot to the face, and follow with your patented legdrop. Watcha’ gonna do when Aries-mania runs wild on you?


Wielding a deadly boa constrictor, you’ll finish off your opponents with the dreaded DDT. Not many will like you, as you can’t be trusted, you snake.


Hailing from Britain, you and your partner will be managed by a fat guy and Ozzy Osborne as you recapture the titles from Brutus Beefcake and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine.


You were once pretty good, but since you became the matador, well, sheesh, give it up…


With a gorgeous manager behind you and your patented flying-elbow-drop, you’ll win the title. Blind jealousy will cause you to lose it, but then you’ll start wearing really stupid looking cowboy hats.


You will earn the nickname “excellence of execution” and will be respected by everyone in your profession, except Jerry ”The King” Lawler. 


Hailing from Iran, weighing in at 220 lbs., you will capture the heavyweight title using your patented Camel Clutch. You will later lose that title to Aries and ally yourself with a slimy Russian, who’ll later sell out to Scorpio.


You’re a millionaire. Along with your bodyguard Virgil and your patented “Million Dollar Dream,” you will succeed in humiliating many children, making them do pushups and dribble basketballs. 


Calling yourself Canada’s greatest athlete, you will suck. Plain and simple suck. You will never win a match, unless it’s against Jose Louis Rivera or Tiger Chung Lee. Get a life.


After losing your tag-team title to Gemini, you will ditch your partner in favor of hair-cutting. You’ll betray Aries, your brother, ditch the barber schtick and join the Dungeon of Doom. 


You will betray your life-long friend, Aries, by taking a bribe from Scorpio. You will win the title from Aries and give it to Scorpio, only to have Jack Tunney declare the title vacant. Then you’ll die.


With your patented “Shake Rattle and Roll,” you will succeed in nailing everyone with your guitar, including Leo’s manager. Thank you, thank you very much – you’re a beautiful audience.

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