ARIES
You will spend the remainder of your life peddling little hoops of sugar, and trying to pass it off as cereal. Plus, you’re a parrot.
TAURUS
You are a smooth-talking, jazz-singing bear that will sell cereal. Unfortunately, the cereal will have the word “sugar” in it – bad marketing move.
GEMINI
You and your annoying brother Freddy will try to pawn off disgusting bits of shredded wheat. Your cereal sucks and so do you. You should’ve known something was up when you got stuck being food, instead of a cool animal like the others.
CANCER
Along with your bothersome twins, Crackle and Pop, you will promote little puffs that resemble rice. No one will believe that the puffs are indeed rice, so you will lose your job.
LEO
You’re a precocious leprechaun that sells cereal with multi-colored marshmallows. Have you now conscience? You encourage kids to rot their teeth away all for the sake of a few bucks. You’re a real sick bastard, you know.
VIRGO
Although you’re a master of disguise, you silly rabbit, you never seem to be able to get your cereal. Some day, you’re going to crack and blow away those snotty kids…
LIBRA
You enjoy showing up macho jocks by kicking their asses in every sport. However, your motto skills leave something to be desired. “They’re grrr-eat?” C’mon, that’s lame.
SCORPIO
You’re some kind of mentally deranged bird that goes koo-koo for chocolate puffs. They always said that Scorpios were weird.
SAGITTARIUS
Stop trying to rip off Indiana Jones, you pre-pubescent cowboy. Obviously some marketing guys couldn’t think of a better way to sell their cereal, ‘cuz your schtick just sucks.
CAPRICORN
Boy, does your job suck. You’re a rooster that does nothing but sit on a box of the most bland, boring cereal ever created. You’re a huge hit with senior citizens, though.
AQUARIUS
You’re a retired alcoholic sea captain who thinks he sees strange water elementals trying to make your cereal soggy. You never should have quit the Jack Daniels, buddy.
PISCES
Anne Rice with a serious twist: you’re a vampire that likes chocolate instead of blood. That’s cool, but your cereal is only a little healthier than a Snickers bar in a bowl of milk.
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