Tuna cold shoulder to world’s paparazzi

In Editorial /

Opinion by Dino Sossi

I eat tuna. I lot of tuna. I used to eat peanut butter. Peanut butter is full of saturated fats. Saturated fats contribute to heart disease and dimpled asses. Heart disease is bad. Some people would argue dimpled asses are worse. Maybe most people.

Although tuna has a pristine image, tuna killed Diana. Okay, I admit her chauffeur wasn’t drunk on tuna juice. The paparazzi weren’t riding tuna. But it was the same process that puts tuna in my smaller-than-average tummy that encouraged the paparazzi to chase Diana. Let me explain.

Remember Charlie the Tuna? Charlie was the personable spokesman for King of the Sea tuna. Charlie convinced consumers it was in their best interest to buy low fat tuna.

Boom, tuna’s hot.

High tuna profits encouraged Joe Capitalist’s lucrative investment in tuna production. As for the tuna, let’s just say maybe they didn’t benefit as much as I did.

The rationale also explains the paparazzi’s aggressive behaviour.

Consumers eat up the tabloids. It’s a way to live, if only for a moment, in celebrities’ lives rather than dwell on their own miserable existences. As soon as Joe Capitalist sees “intrusive and exploitative” pictures of Diana sell, faster than you can say “incestuous, left-handed, polyester-wearing fathers next on Geraldo,” we’ve got scandalous pictures of Di, provided by well-paid paparazzi, giving readers exactly what they want — dirt.

Does reading The National Enquirer benefit society? That’s about as rhetorical as a question comes. Did pursuing Diana for photos benefit Diana? And you thought the last question was rhetorical.

Until we stop buying tabloids, Joe Capitalist will continue heaping sensationalism on us regardless of the lives compromised. Money talks much louder than poorly though out, emotional outbursts after tragic accidents.

And I’ll do my part — no more tuna for me.

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