Turn on, tune in, get off

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By Lance Goodthrust

There comes time in everyone’s life when age constraints a lack of a VCR or a strict household prevents them from access to quality pornography. But instead of reverting to desperate tactics like fantasizing or voyeurism, why not try cable television? Cable can often be a cheap and reliable source for all types of porno.

If you’re at home on a Saturday night (and if you are, you should be having sex), be rest assured that Showcase usually offers numerous imported pornos—I mean, foreign films. Ahem.

However, viewer beware: some of these films contain some pretty strange stuff. For example, I once stumbled upon this Showcase flick (I was searching for a hockey game, of course) chock-full of genitalia close-ups. It was nothing but one beaver close-up after another. You couldn’t see any action. That’s no fun.

Another slight problem with Showcase is its pseudo-pornogrphy. Some of the shows they broadcast, like Sex in the City, are misleading. While the show’s content is almost exclusively sexual in nature (I mean, the word sex is in the fucking title!), you don’t see shit when the show’s characters get down and dirty, which means you have to use your imagination. And that’s not good.

If Showcase doesn’t come through, give CityTV a try. They’re resurrected their infamous Baby Blue movies on Friday nights, providing quality reliable source for cable pornography. Other less reliable channels that have been known to surprise occasionally are non-English channels, especially those Italian and French ones (and sometimes CFMT). The subtitles make for bonus fun. TVOntario has also impressed on a couple of occasions, too.

Of course, scrambled porn is always a trusty backup. You can usually make something out of the pictures. If you can’t ever see shit, maybe try a friend’s house. I know this one guy whose scrambled porn is unprecedented in terms of clarity and colour and you can see up to five seconds of unscrambled action at a time.

I’ve had a couple of instances at my own home where the channel has stayed unscrambled for up to fifteen minutes. The colour is a little screwed up so that it looks like a bunch of humping photo negatives, but what do you expect for free?

If you happen to be at home watching TV on one of those rare nights when none of the above-mentioned options pan out, you can always watch TV for innuendo. There are tons of obvious show like The Relic Hunter and Baywatch,a dn there are some more subtle ones that require a bit of creativity. If man-man action is your thing, try closing your eyes and listening to a hockey game broadcast. Who knows? Maybe Bob Cole yelling “Sundin shoots it in deep!” will do it for you. For woman-woman action, try a curling match were girls with butch haircuts yell, “HARD! HARD!” You’ll be surprised.

During your tireless quest for television pornography, it is important to keep one thing in mind: having sex is better than watching other people have sex (unless maybe it’s a tape of you and someone else). So if the opportunity to get laid should arise, drop that converter and pick up those Trojans. And maybe try a thing or two you saw on Showcase.

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