By Shane Dingman
The following is a tale of lunacy and excess. It’s about a group of people who violated all that is good and decent. People who picked fruit from the tree of life, stomped all over it, and drank its foul juices. Read at your own risk, and tread no further if you are week or will or prone to enticement.
Opening Ceremony
The Eyeopener Drink Olympics started ominously Saturday night in a windowless room in the basement of an apartment complex on Carlton Street. To kill time before the first event, athletes sucked back cans of Canadian, a risky move considering over the next two-and-a-half hours they would consume 60 beers and three litres of vodka.
Basketball
Tossing a quarter into a cup of beer isn’t too hard. Tossing a quarter into three cups clustered together is tougher than finding a subway car during rush hour that doesn’t reek of b.o. Only Team England’s Wojtek Dabrowski managed to sink all three baskets. The losers got a mouthful of metal-flavoured beer.
100-metre dash
The chugging contest is one of the most anticipated events of the Olympics. After much boasting about bloodlines designed for drinking, just three teams managed to down 455 millilitres of beer in under five seconds. In my first effort at the track, I posted a time of 3.73 seconds for Scotland, blowing away the previous record of 5.3. But my performance wasn’t good enough for the gold as Canadian team anchor Liam (Blackhole) Eagle downed his beer in just 3.68 seconds.
3 x 400 relay
You don’t know fear until you’ve been rushed headlong toward a glass of orange juice and vodka by some screaming freak gripping you by the ankles. Of course, that’s nothing compared with the sensation of drinking a screwdriver upside down through a straw. The Scots slurped the fastest, lapping all of their contenders.
Archery
This event involved a mustache, blindfold and a poster featuring Ryerson’s mascot, Eggy. The competition, however, was tainted from the beginning, as contenders were allowed to paw at the poster after they downed a shot of vodka. Ireland’s Chinese import, Kenny O’Yum, took gold, followed by Scotland’s Steve (Peaches) Petrick, and Italy’s Stephanie (Boom Boom) Bomba.
Rowing
The relay beer chug nearly knocked out Ireland’s Adam (Choke) Eisner, who looked as if he was going to blow chunks. Canada paddled to the finish line first.
Equestrian
Details of this event have been censored.
Gymnastics
Walking a line drunk is nearly impossible. Walking a line while balancing a bowl of water on your head ranks up there with landing on the moon bare-assed. Ireland’s Yum crossed the finish line first without spilling a drop.
Weightlifting
Only Italy’s Bomba answered any of the questions right in the one-minute trivia game, giving her country its only gold. In an act of unbelievable hubris, I promised to do a shot of vodka for every wrong answer. Five shots and less than an hour later, the puking marathon began, lasting well into the next day.
Closing Ceremony
As in the last Eyeopener Drink Olympics, Ireland took home the overall championship.
Leave a Reply