Bag O’ Crime

In Fun & Satire /

By Eyeopener Staff

LOST & FOUND

Lost: One brown paper bag full of syringes, condoms, sterilized water and alcohol wipes. Last known location: somewhere around the E.C.E department. If you find this bag, please bring it to the quad late at night. Wear black clothes and look very suspicious.

HOW TO FURNISH YOUR KITCHEN

On May 16th, three ultra cool people left a bar on Dundas Street. They brought along a few mugs from the bar, which they thought would look great next to their Kelsey’s plates and Zanzibar shot glasses. Unfortunately, the owner of the bar in question decided that their heads would look nice after being hit with a metal bar from Home Depot. Ryerson security stepped in and held everyone there until the Toronto police arrived. In the end, no charges were every pressed.

MY OTHER CAR’S A CONVERTIBLE

On May 9th, a Ryerson security officer heard an individual yelling from a vehicle in the parking garage. “Help me, I’m stuck. I’m trapped in my own car! What a dummy I am. How am I going to explain this to my English prof. Oh man, I have to pee!” As the officer approached the car, she figured maybe somebody had locked themselves inside. An examination of the glove compartment turned up a map of Toronto, a blue pen, a package of ketchup and some lint. Upon checking the trunk, the officer found a Continuing Education student who was trapped in there. After she was released, she explained how she had been reaching into the back seat for a book and then accidentally fallen into the trunk. The seat closed up behind her and PRESTO, she was trapped! In the end, she spent about 45 minutes in her own trunk.

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