Masturbator comes on campus

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By Eyeopener Staff

Last week students spotted a man standing in front of a lab doorway in South Kerr Hall. Upon closer inspection, the students realized that the man was not conducting lab experiments of any sorts, but was in fact masturbating.

After being caught red handed, the hardened criminal fled the scene.

Campus security was notified, and after an exhausting search of Kerr Hall, nothing was found.

The jolly jacker is described a male in his mid-30’s, 5-foot-8, with a slim build, fair complexion and slicked-back blond hair.

He was last seen wearing blue jeans, a light-blue winter jacket and was possibly wearing sneakers, likely for a fast get-away.

If you fit this description, please stop masturbating around campus and get a girlfriend.

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