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By Joel Wass


Sixty-six per cent of Canadians are opposed to the legalization of same-sex marriage.

At least, that’s what a poll conducted by the National Post revealed.

The poll didn’t ask why the majority of Canadians are against people of the same gender tying the knot, but plenty of reasons have been tossed around. An archbishop in Quebec said same-sex marriage “threatens to unleash nothing less than cultural upheaval whose negative consequences are still impossible to predict.”

The Knights of Columbus, a family fraternal service organization open to anyone-anyone who is a so-called “practical” thinking Catholic male, that is-argues the redefinition of marriage promotes paedophilia, pornography and unsafe sex.

Recently, federal Tory leader Stephen Harper insinuated that supporting same-sex marriage leads to supporting polygamy. These reasons are intriguing, but they all avoid the most disturbing reason why same-sex marriages are a potential danger to society: legalizing them means our country’s children may grow up to be just like me. Yep, I’m the proud owner of three mommas (my dad got re-married a year and a half ago and…well, keep on reading).

This past December, my mother–get this–married a mother. Craziest thing I ever did see–next to William Shatner winning a Golden Globe for his “acting,” last month.

The wedding ceremony was one of the most touching displays of true love and romance I’ll ever be lucky enough to witness. My mom’s personal and professional accomplishments are surpassed by few people in her profession-she was named Ontario’s teacher of the year in 2000-but getting married to the love of her life was the proudest I’ve ever seen her.

In my view, my moms’ relationship is the epitome of love and dedication, but one glaring point must be made: Their kids are weird dudes. Not that we’re criminals, drug addicts or even lawyers, but we are rather queer-so to speak.

Just look at me. My head is too big for my body, my nose hairs are so long that I have to trim them twice a week, I can’t spell the word “vollyball,” and after five years of university I still don’t have enough credits for a degree. And that’s just a list of my problems.

My brother Carey was a star high school quarterback, but quit the team in Grade 11 to take dance classes. My stepbrother Kyle currently makes a living teaching children how to dangerously zoom down Olympic-sized hills on nothing more than a pair of skis. And worse, he gets paid for it.

My youngest stepbrother, Todd, is fairly normal by comparison, except for the fact he’s 6-foot-4. Can you say freak of nature? The average height for a white male is 5-foot-10. Sure, my and my brothers’ quirks have little or nothing to do with our parents’ marriage (although I think finding a connection between same-sex marriage and overgrown nose hairs is equally as relevant as finding a polygamy connection), but if 66 per cent of Canadians are truly afraid of these unions, they should know the only thing they need to fear is that some couples have freakishly tall children.

No one need worry about same-sex marriages causing any sort of “cultural upheaval” either. Hell, if I were to sum up my moms’ relationship in one word it wouldn’t be “controversial,” it’d be “boring.”

Their average day consists of going to work, coming back home and going to bed at 8:30 p.m. Hardly earth-shattering stuff here, folks. They don’t want wedding presents or congratulatory letters or phone calls. Simply and purely, my moms just want to share their love for “as long as they both shall live.”

I know it sounds sappy, but isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be about? I think 66 per cent of Canadians would be hard pressed to oppose that.

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