LET THE HOT CHICKS GET HITCHED, I SAYETH

In Fun /

By Jaundice Ivy-Son

All this talk about gay-this and gay-that is making my conservatively, politically-engorged ass swell up and sting with a red, burning rage–it’s gotten so bad I haven’t been shitting straight for weeks.

Stephen Harper, human demi-god that he is, has the right idea about gays–they should be allowed to pay taxes and work in manual labour professions but not allowed to marry, vote or have rights of any kind.

I second that, but with an important caveat: Leave the girls out of this. While the idea of men fucking other men leaves a sour, mushroom-like taste in my conservative mouth, the idea of hot gay women kissing, rubbing, touching, feeling, cupping, pleasuring, spooning, snuggling, nuzzling, primping, grooming, licking, canoodling and satisfying each other is hot, baby.

What’s wrong with a little tit-on-tit action, Mr. Harper? Have you never witnessed the subtle pleasures of dual cunnilingus? Does your masculinity feel theatened?

Are you afraid of seeing so much raw, hot, tender female love? I’m certainly not, and I’d be willing to bet a million bucks your constituents aren’t afraid of hot babe-on-babe love either. Letting gay women get married has no “ickyness” factor–in fact it’s quite the opposite. Just imagine this scenario:

Justine–a leggy brunette with perky B-cup breasts–comes home, wearing a cute little miniskirt and pom-poms, sweaty from cheerleader practice. Inside, Abigail–a voluptuous, busty blonde bombshell–is cooking up some vegetable stew. Justine sneaks up behind Abigail, runs her hand up the back of Abigail’s thigh, around her waist, and up to caress her firm breast.

Abigail turns around with a long, bulbous cucumber in her hand and says … well, I’m sure you can imagine how things progress from there. That’s exactly the way I imagine married gay women interacting.

What in the hell’s wrong with that? If I could dare to indulge my own arrogance and pride–for what are my own insignificant views in the shadow of our fearless leader’s magnificence–I would say this to Mr. Harper:

Dear Stephen Harper, all- seeing eye and omnipotent lord of gay-knowing; your mission to oppress gays is a valiant cause, but please keep the hot gay sluts out of it. They aren’t hurting or grossing-out anyone.

They’re the shit baby! I feel so strongly about this that the thought of not letting hot, gay women marry each other makes me shrink and go soft with disgust.

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