SUCK THE COCK, YOU’LL GET A ROCK!

In Fun /

By Rebecca Heckler

Gosh it’s nice to be a love columnist. I get paid to write innocuous drivel that goes down smooth, soft and easy.

I’m the McDonald’s milkshake of intellectual writing! The best part is, I get to mask my own inability to get laid by pretending I know what I’m talking about.

Genius! I’m bored, let’s take a letter:

Dear Rebecca,

I’m deeply in love with a man. He’s sexy, funny and smart. We met and fell in love at the supermarket. Problem is, he’s been very distant recently. He has trouble looking me in the eyes and the last time he phoned me was in July to tell me I’d left my wallet at the check-out counter. Is he still the right man for me? –Stuck at the check-out line of love

Dear Stuck at the check-out line of love,

Dating is hard. Love is hard. But platitudes are easy! Here are some of my best ones:

1) If you love somebody, let them know. If you are truly in love, you can never say I love you too many times.

2) Heartbreak is possibly the worst feeling one can have.

3) Breakups occur as often as babies are born. Every second a baby may begin life. Every second someone’s relationship dies.

4) If your partner makes you more miserable than happy, the relationship is not worth it.

5) Think about what you’d do to keep a man, and then commit yourself to doing it. Remember: suck the cock, you’ll get a rock!

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