CLAUDE’S GUIDE TO RUNNING A UNIVERSITY FOR DUMMIES

In Editorial /

Prez Claude, he’s a sassy Frenchman with some words of advice for his successor, Sheldon Levy

Bonjour!! I’d like to say hello to the newest member of the super friends club of Ontario university presidents, Sheldon Levy. Waddup, my Caucasian? You better listen, computer boy, because Ryerson ain’t no made-up university like the last one you were at.

It is my privilege to review the state of the university. I’ve been here for 10 years and I’ve learned a lot while accomplishing so much! Psych!

That right there is lesson one, Levy boy: Always pretend you know more than you actually do. It’s worked for me, even though at night I go home and drink while silently cursing this institution for sucking away my manhood.

But, Ryerson has come a long way over the years from being a strip of horrendous brick buildings hidden behind cheap porn stores. Now, we have several additional ugly buildings in construction!

Wait! Claude thinks we should talk about how much Claude has single-handedly increased the student space on campus. The fact that I can give the speech from our new student centre is remarkable. Okay, so I was supposed to give this speech back in October, but the place was still a hole and crowded with construction workers smelling of dungarees.

Oh, and you business students, I bet you are all excited about moving into that new building, right? Ha! Claude laughs at you pathetic, naive fools! That building will be completed the same time I start listening to the student press. In case you did not notice, that was sarcasm. Burn!

Now, let us review what I, Superior Chancellor Lajeunesse, have accomplished for this godforsaken school.  This fall we launched our first stand-alone PhD programs in immigration studies. If we can forget that Ryerson security was responsible for the deportation of a member of the Ryerson community for the moment, I believe these are momentous events.  With almost 700 graduate students here, minus the few who again, were unfortunately deported, we are now a solid centre for graduate studies. Score, baby.

I always get the dammed press asking me, but, Master Supreme Lajeunesse, why does Ryerson need graduate programs? Well, this is how I deal with the press, and you better listen up, Levy: Ignore them. So, when some douche bag from rags like The Eyeopener comes asking me questions, I just pee in their coffee. Zut alors!

I think one of my most important accomplishments was losing the “polytechnic” from Ryerson’s name. it reflects our metamorphosis. I’m like Kafka that way. Why did we change our name? Was it because no one really knows what “polytechnic” means? What does the name change mean to Ryerson’s future? Am I still asking questions aloud, hoping to fill space? Still, Levy, if you pose questions without answering them, you will come off golden, baby. Sacre bleu!

So, I am sad to leave this hole, but my villa in Tuscany awaits, and when you hear the call of wine and cheap women, you have to accept the charges, baby.

Speech over, finis!!

— Barry Hertz

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