WHY I HATE LOVE & SEX

By Tristan Thackray

Fun Editor

Once every year, The Eyeopener comes out with its most compelling edition of hard-hitting journalism. It’s a project that’s planned weeks ahead and requires the paper to really flex its journalistic muscle.

It’s the Love & Sex edition…and just in time for Now and Eye Weekly’s projects of the same title.*

Well, I hate the Love & Sex edition, and here’s why:

1. Considering the massive undertaking that is the Love & Sex issue, the paper was forced to sacrifice numerous sections to compensate for the gluttony of smut and smut-related apparel. The paper’s first decision for sections to cut was almost automatic — the vote being 15-1 that the Fun section would need to take a week off in concession to the greater good for Love & Sex.

2a. Aside from the fact that Love and Sex is being covered by just about every other independent newspaper in the city, this topic is an entirely cliché package that is being spewed year long by just about every other form of media. Here I thought we had already had our Love & Sex edition when we ran an advertisement on our book cover of a young-looking girl rolling around topless as she sells thermal leggings.

2b. Going on with this idea of sex saturation, I am dreading more and more the idea of trying to teach my future kids sexual ideals. Advertisements on TV suggest that parents should talk to their kids about the positive and negative aspects of sex. However, the problem arises when the messages of warning are greatly outnumbered by those of curiosity, spontaneity and intrigue. By the time a parent feels ready to talk to their child about sex, the parent has already been beaten to the punch by the thousands of images and concepts bombarding their child.

3. For me, The Eyeopener’s continued dedication to the Love & Sex trend represents just how closely our philosophy of existence parallels that of recording artist Lil’ John. “Everybody knows sex sells,” the legend once quipped — a statement clearly supported by The Eyeopener intelligencia. The only thing left for us to accomplish is to sell out — and make a profit too.

The simple fact of the matter may be that I’m a prude who has been given 500 words instead of one and a half pages where I can air my laundry. Yet I feel certain that there are many who would agree with at least one of the ideas I’ve put forth. For those who entirely disagree with what I wrote, enjoy the rest of the paper.

***Just so you know, in 1995 The Eyeopener was the first Toronto independent weekly to publish a Love & Sex issue.

All of the other papers just copied us.

**Editor’s note: The paper’s over Tristan, that’s why we buried your column in the back. — C.W.