GLOBAL WARMING IS AWESOME

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By Karon Liu

Arts & Life Editor

It’s inevitable that the Arts and Life section do a story on global warming. It made Al Gore an Oscar winner, fashionistas rave about fair-trade organic cotton and hybrid cars roll off the assembly lines (not counting the spoiled brats on “My Super Sweet Sixteen” who insist on Hummers).

There’s even going to be a rally at Nathan Phillips Square this Sunday to support Canada’s recommitment to the Kyoto Protocol. It’s the event of the supposedly, unseasonably warm season.

Being green is chic — more so than the outgoing, self-deprecating ‘80s trend where fanny packs and novelty plastic sunglasses are embraced. Without global warming, there wouldn’t be solidarity among Hollywood’s Democrats and Republicans, new platforms for politicians with which to win votes and something that you can sound smart talking about without much research to do beforehand (Iraq is hard, people!).

Sure, the polar ice caps are melting and lakes are shrinking in size causing thousands of species to be on the brink of extinction, but have you seen me with a tan? I make Hasslehoff look like Abe Vigoda in a pair of hot pants. Imagine having kick-ass bronzed skin 12 months of the year without having to whip out the self-tanner and become an Oompa Loompa (minus the moralistic song and dance numbers).

Furthermore, it’ll be swimsuit season! Think of the money saved during winter when you don’t have to fly your frozen butt to Cuba to get loaded on Margaritas. Stay in Canada, get loaded on Tim Hortons Iced Capps instead. Ice cream trucks will roam the streets, urging children to throw down their Wii controllers and chase down the ice cream man. Granted, those two minutes of moderate exercise end with a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate sauce, but at least these kids will be goal-oriented.

For the price of one winter coat that’ll rob your body of any shape or curves, you can get three bikinis. Or if you’re a guy and save money by buying bathing suits at Winners rather than Bikini Village (unlike certain female masthead members — Erin Atack,) you can get 10 pairs of swim trunks.

Retail profits would go up and tourist dollars would skyrocket as more street festivals pop up at every corner.

It’s simple, support for global warming is support for the Canadian economy.

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