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Five types of people you can expect to see on campus

In Fun & Satire /

By Nicole Schmidt

The Commuter

The commuter can be picked out of a crowd purely based on the size and fullness of their backpack. Unlike the student who lives around the corner from campus and can go home at any given point during the day, the commuter doesn’t have this luxury. It may even appear as though they’re set to depart on a backpacking trip to Europe after class.

Inside the mind of a commuter: You’re bitching about having to get up at 7 a.m. for this class? Ha. Don’t make me laugh. Do you have any idea what time I need to wake up to make it here on time? No, clearly you don’t. By the time 7 a.m. rolls around, I’ve already showered, gotten dressed, made breakfast, made lunch, and am on route to the bus station. 

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The Fashion Student 

Despite how good you think you look on any given day of the week, a fashion student has the magical ability to make you feel like you got dressed blindfolded. Regardless of the season or the weather (there could be terrestrial rain storms or hail) they always look like they’re on route to fashion week, not class.

Inside the mind of a fashion student: My god, my feet are killing me. Maybe I picked the wrong day to wear six-inch heels to class. Wait, who am I kidding? There’s no such thing as a bad day for heels. Plus, my legs look great. That’s right, suck it up and strut like you don’t even know what it’s like to have sore feet. 

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The hipster 

Perhaps the most easily spotted, the hipster is often mistaken for Where’s Waldo. Striped or plaid shirts are not uncommon among them, but black rimmed or circular glasses are their trademark. Absurd accessories, such as jewelry made out of uncommon kitchen utensils or plastic children’s toys, are also staples of the hipster wardrobe. They are closet fans of Tim Horton’s coffee and have a lot of pent up resentment towards people who can openly drink it in public without having to worry about protecting their reputation.

Inside the mind of a hipster: You know what, Gould Street doesn’t even look that bad. Everyone hates it, but I think it sets us apart from other universities. Primary colours are so mainstream. This is abstract.

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The person who’s always late 

This person is essentially the human embodiment of the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. They are always on the move and, based on their superb power walking form and technique, they look like they had somewhere to be five minutes ago. A word of advice: don’t get in their way.

Inside the mind of a the person who’s always late: Do you people not understand the concept of moving to the right side of the escalator when someone is trying to get by you? No? Apparently not. Did I lock my door this morning? What time is it? Shit! I only have two minutes before class starts. Seriously, if these people don’t get out of my way I’m going to lose it.

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The dazed and confused

Look for the student who stops in the middle of the hallway to awkwardly make a U turn, or the one who looks like they’re trying to read a foreign language while standing in front of the campus map. Dazed and confused students always appear to be lost — even if they’re not.

Inside the mind of the dazed and confusedAm I in Kerr Hall East or Kerr Hall North? Wait, maybe this is South. My class is supposed to be in room 301, but the 301 I just passed was a janitor supply room, so I’m assuming that isn’t right. Wait, how’d I end up in the library? I thought that tunnel was supposed to take me back to Kerr Hall West. I think that after this class is over, if I ever find it, I’m going to head to the nearest tattoo shop and get a campus map tattooed on my left arm. 

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