What a dunce

An investigation has revealed that Isaac Curmudgeon, an associate professor in the history department at Ryerson University, has been inflicting 19th Century forms of punishment on his students.

After several students came forward with formal complaints, it was found that Curmudgeon punished students in his classroom in ways that Ryerson University officials deemed “highly unethical” and “just plain weird.”

Curmudgeon would force students to wear dunce caps, stand with their hands out at shoulder level and hold their textbooks — some coming in at 600 pages — for several minutes and pick up a jar of beans that he would pour onto the floor.

It was also revealed that he would force students with long hair to braid it so he could tie it to pegs high up on the wall.

“But I would never use the strap,” said Curmudgeon, “because that’s just inappropriate.”

Max Cringe, a 21-year-old history major, said that Curmudgeon forced him to wear a dunce cap and sit on a stool at the front of the classroom after he checked his phone in class. “It was really embarrassing,” said Cringe. “Plus, I don’t look very good in white, so it was unflattering all around.”

In an interview with The Eyeopener, Curmudgeon said that he feels “no shame, no regrets” for his actions. “They were interrupting a lesson, they deserve it!”

As a history professor, Curmudgeon feels that these punishments enhance the classroom experience. “The only way to study history is to immerse yourself in it, even the hairy parts.”

Kayley Cana, a 19-year-old creative industries student, said she had her hair pegged to the wall once. “I couldn’t move or else it pulled my hair.” After leaving class that day, Cana filed a complaint with Ryerson immediately.

Cana also said that Curmudgeon would take photos of the students being punished with a Polaroid camera he kept at his desk and then display the photos on a “wall of shame.”

On Jan. 23, Ryerson University officials suspended Curmudgeon from teaching until further notice.

Curmudgeon was last seen on Jan. 24 leaving his office in Jorgenson Hall wearing a dunce cap and carrying a box of Polaroids, laughing maniacally.