A very responsible citizen drinking their wine.

Photo: Annie Arnone

Wine solves all problems

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By Skyler Ash

You get home after a long day, kick off your shoes and crash onto the couch with a glass of wine. Who’s stopping you? Nobody.

In a recent study by Totally Real Health Canada [TRHC], it was found that drinking a glass of wine a day helped to decrease all the crappy things about your personality and made people generally feel way better.

The study, released on Feb. 21, was conducted after Ryerson University’s The Ryersonian published an article stating that drinking large amounts of wine — particularly for women — is unhealthy. Zymurgists (scientists who study fermentation) at TRHC found this to be utterly disturbing, possibly sexist and after conducting their own study, untrue.

Out of 5,000 people surveyed, it was found that 96 per cent of people felt better after drinking at least one glass of wine a day.

Marian Keeley, a fourth-year creative industries student at Ryerson University, said she now has at least two glasses of merlot with dinner. “If science says it’s the right thing to do, I’m willing to make those changes in my life.”

“Wine is made from grapes, grapes are fruit and fruit is healthy,” said TRHC head zymurgist, Dr. Timothy Vinn. “Wine is also delicious, so as long as you indulge in it at a controlled rate, we [at the TRHC] don’t see any problem. Just don’t go too crazy and everything will be fine.”

The TRHC would like to recommend that one person drink no more than three-to-four glasses of wine a day, “otherwise you may have a problem that you should seek special attention for,” said Vinn. “Drink responsibly and enjoy!”

“When I drink wine, everything about me gets better,” said Rick Embry, a third-year sociology student at Ryerson University. “I stop doing that annoying thing where I correct people’s grammar and I make fewer scathing societal observations that make my friends uncomfortable.”

Embry also said that wine helps his moves both on the dance floor and with “the ladies.” Embry has asked The Eyeopener to publish his number, but we feel that that is inappropriate, so instead, his address is Pitman Hall, floor 11, room 45 and 3/4. “Knock three times for a good time.”

So sip away, you splifficated specimen! And just remember that when the bartender says no, the wine scientists say yes.

#WineNot

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