Tips on how to trick-or-treat as an adult

By Skyler Ash

First thing’s first: fuck whoever said it’s not acceptable to trick-or-treat past the age of 12. People older than 12 have real problems, like large workloads, insurmountable debt and the existential crisis every university student inevitably goes through.

This year, screw those pre-conceived societal norms and follow these rules on how to legally gain free candy from your neighbours while disguising your identity.

1. Have a good costume
Nobody wants to give candy to a trick-or-treater in a bare bones costume. If you want free candy, you have to put in some effort. And don’t be a “sexy” anything, because that’s actually the worst. It’s go big or go home, and you’re already standing outside of somebody’s home.

2. Be a nice person
I’m talking minimal obnoxious knocking, only a single ring of the doorbell and a polite and volume-controlled “trick or treat!” when the door is opened. Don’t be that person who pounds their fists against the door and demands candy like a bank robber who needs the money to pay for his kid’s surgery while he’s pulling as many shifts at the diner as he can, but it’s just not enough since his wife, Su- san, left, and this is the last resort. Don’t be that person.

3. Don’t take more than your fair share
Some people like to hold the bowl out for people to pick what they like, and often don’t specify the amount. These are your options: three small candies or two bags of chips, or two small candies and one bag of chips. If the candies are regular-sized, the rules do not apply. Grab the goods and run.

4. Stay out late
In this day and age of helicopter parents, you as a free-wheelin’, fancy-free adult have the upper hand: you can stay out as late as you want. After about 7 p.m., most modern parents drag their sad, oppressed children home to throw their candy out in front of them and force feed them organic fruits and vegetables. Houses will still be full of candy, so get ready to reel it in.

Follow these rules and you’ll be eating free candy for weeks! An added bonus: you’ll have actually left the house for something other than school or work. Good job!