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New Ryerson SLC doors lead to Narnia

By Lyba Mansoor

One week following the disappearance of six Ryerson undergraduate students, the missing students found their way back to campus, exclaiming that the new Ryerson Student Learning Centre (SLC) doors were responsible for their disappearance.

Toronto Police Services launched an in depth investigation into the missing students and led to a four-day long police investigation.

Ontario’s Special Investigations Unit (SIU) said the breakthrough in their case came when one of the missing students found their way back to campus. Their results, were shocking. Narnia. Motherfucking Narnia.

“Daryl Green was the first of the students that we were able to sit down and talk to. He explained how the last thing he remembered was walking through those new doors and suddenly he was not on campus anymore,” the SIU said.

Green claimed the doors were not connected to the SLC lobby, but rather a foreign land filled with “mythical creatures.”

“Naturally we were weary of Green’s story, but when a second student, Giselle Lehee, returned to campus and told us a similar story, we decided it was time to look into it.”

After contacting the manufacturers of the new doors, the SIU discovered that the same company produced the infamous wardrobe that led four young children to Narnia years ago.

“The descriptions Green and Lehee had given us of the place they ended up, with dwarves and talking animals, alongside the manufacturer’s past production history made everything clear. The new doors had opened up a pathway to another world, it was the only logical answer,” the SIU said.

Green and Lehee assured investigators  that the students were in no imminent danger, and the remaining four have since found their way back to campus safely.

Ryerson University spokesperson Claire Goodman said “the university has no plans on replacing the doors anytime soon. We pride ourselves on the unique experience our school offers, and this is just a part of it.”

Green, Lehee and the other four students who experienced the power of the doors agree that with the start of fall semester, the doors are a “much needed, glimmering escape route,” for all Ryerson students.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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