Photo: Camila Kukulski

Millennials are ruining the racist statue industry

In Fun & Satire, The Eyersonian /

By Shi Nou

Inaudible screams were all that could be heard outside Kerr Hall as the Egerton Ryerson statue was decapitated on Monday. While it was not the first time a statue honouring a racist met its untimely demise at the hands of angered youth, it was certainly a first for Ryerson University.

In July, a beheaded Donald Drumpf statue in Dallas, Texas left locals similarly shocked. In August, a statue of John C. Calhoun, a strong defender of slavery in America, was also beheaded in Charleston, South Carolina.

And with the likes of Robert E. Lee, Edward Cornwallis and Roger B. Taney down for the count, one thing is certain: It’s been a very bad, bad year for racist statues.

Who’s to blame for the increasingly prevalent deaths of history’s most successful racists? A recent study conducted by for-profit organization Baby Boomin Racists has found that the sales of companies who make racist statues are plummeting now more than ever. Their reasoning? Millennials.

The study also found that racist statue sales in Canada have decreased by a whopping 11,000 per cent since the 11th century.

As a result, companies like The Past is a Blast, who designed and manufactured the Egerton Ryerson statue, have since had to let go of some of their more ‘deplorable’ employees and schedule equity training sessions for their remaining employees. The company’s two remaining employees went through one equity training session in August, which the CEO of the company has called “abominable.”

“Those dang millenials, always ruining everything. It really freakin’ sucks. My ancestors have been selling racist statues since the year 1134, when they first designed and manufactured the Rudolph Zitler statue. Now, we see hooligans running around spray painting the beautiful works of art that my ancestors created, writing crazy mazy horse shit like ‘Being racist ain’t lit’. And for what? ‘Political correctness,’” said Suprema Cistman, the CEO of The Past is a Blast.

One thing is certain: It’s been a very bad, bad year for racist statues.

Baby Boomin Racists’ study also analyzed the demographics of people who support or do not support the presence of racist statues across the country.

Their study found that for people between the ages 0-25, 70 per cent were against the presence of racist statues in Canada, 20 per cent abstained due to “hipster causes” and 10 per cent of people claiming to be “born in the wrong century” supported the presence of racist statues in Canada.

“Millennials are really making a trend of edginess nowadays. It’s a shame that they hate racist statues. Just imagine Wolfgang Droege—white supremacist, neo-Nazi, convicted drug dealer and founding leader of the Heritage Front–in front of Parliament Hill. He would just look so good in white marble,” Baby Boomin Racist’s community outreach coordinator, Gracist Shaymus said, licking his lips.

On the other hand, they found that 95 per cent of people between the ages 26-100 supported racist statues, two per cent abstained and three per cent who were giggling about how the ‘80s were a simpler time, circled ‘do not support’ for the presence of racist statues in Canada in the survey.

In an interview, Cistman told the Eyersonian that The Past is a Blast has been struggling to make ends meet, and millennials openly shaming the company on social media isn’t helping.

Last week, a Ryerson student made a Facebook page titled “No Racist Statues In Our City!” calling the company “bogus, absurd and totally backwards.”

“It’s just sad that these millennials are trying to spread their anti-racist dogma. The alt-right need to make money too, you know,” said Cistman, who openly admitted that sometimes, racists have feelings too.

Comments

  1. the last line is killer

    “The alt-right need to make money too, you know” & “Cistman (…) openly admitted that sometimes, racists have feelings too” are honestly the best lines out of this entire article

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