Illustration by Camila Kukulski

The Dildo Trilogies Part 2: Ryerson’s local dildos object to being forcibly removed from Ryerson

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By Lyba Mansoor and Emerald Bensadoun

In a series called The Dildo Trilogies, we tell the story of the dildos who were forcibly removed from their manufacturing facilities to study at Ryerson. We’ll explore their struggles and experiences as they discover life in their new home.

From a half-opened box marked “security,” a long pink latex dildo stared at the class across the hall. On the outside, he was erect. But on the inside, he was wilty.

He observed the homosapiens. Laughing with their stupid mouths. Touching each other’s faces. Nobody put humans in a corner, they had legs. But they were easily amused.

“What do they have that I don’t?” he wondered. “Why don’t they want me? What can I do to stay?”

Unable to determine what to do with their surplus of dildos, Ryerson campus security is attempting to donate the remaining dildos to charity, but the group of human phallic structure substitutes have no interest in being evicted.

“We thought donating them would be easy, but they’ve been a lot rowdier than we had initially expected them to be,” one Ryerson security guard said. “They keep staring at me, some of them bursting into uncontrollable vibrations. The dildos have gone wild.”

The resistance comes after the dildos, who have been moving in and out of the RSU’s office for the past week, began mingling with students living on campus. The dildos could not be reached for a comment due to their inanimate nature, but according to Rye president Mohamed Lachemi, “it doesn’t take mouths to see all that this campus has to offer.”

“It started very casually,” said RSU president Susanne Nyaga. “We left them out of their boxes, because we thought ‘hey, dildos can’t move! What could possibly go wrong, right? Just a few dozen sex toys. Nothing to see here.’ But then one day we were locked out of our office.”

After careful analysis, Abujoo Shmordan, head of Ryerson’s security forensics team, determined that the dildos were “unquestionably” getting organized.   

“It all makes sense, if you think about it,” sniffed Shmordan, stifling back tears. “Amazon brought them here against their will, and we didn’t even try to give them language lessons. Did we even ask the dildos if they wanted to leave? Did we ever take their needs into consideration?! Those poor, latex little bastards.”

The dildos have since started appearing on Gould Street in protest, holding signs as best they can without fingertips, insisting that they are given the opportunity to prove their worth.

Signs with phrases like, “Think beyond the pleasure,” and “We DILD!” have become student favourites.

Dildo spokesperson and self-proclaimed social justice warrior Ruth Lebedo spoke to The Eyeopener about their plans for the future.  

Libido said the dildos are interested in becoming an integrated part of Ryerson’s student body. With some of the dildos showing a penchant for sports, some for theatre, and some for politics, she is sure they can become positive, contributing students at Ryerson.

“They’re just interested in being given a fair shot here. What makes them any less deserving of higher education than anyone else here?” Lebedo said. “We need to stop thinking of dildos as objects and start thinking of them as the complex, living organisms with very sensitive feelings that they are.”

The dildos have been met with an onslaught of student support, with hundreds joining them on the day of their protest.  

“If you really think about it those guys aren’t any different from us. They’re just looking for upward mobility through education. They’ve already been separated from their families. Forcing them to be donated is completely unethical,” sociology student Jaya Anandjit said.

“We already go to school with a bunch of dicks,” said Lebedo. “What’s the harm in a couple more?”

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