Photo Illustration: Camila Kukulski

THE DILDO TRILOGIES PT. 3: Ryerson dildos to run for RSU office

In Fun & Satire /

By Lyba Mansoor

In a series called The Dildo Trilogies, we tell the story of the dildos who were forcibly removed from their manufacturing facilities to study at Ryerson. We’ll explore their struggles and experiences as they discover life in their new home.

Dildos are running for RSU executive positions, and they might actually have a shot at winning. Nominations for the 2018 Ryerson Student Union (RSU) opened Jan. 22. Their executive committee slate is called Hot Rods, and students couldn’t be happier.

Hot Rods party platform is based on one major pillar: Accessibility. The dildos really want to expose and penetrate the gaping accessibility holes on Ryerson campus.

Their campaign slogan, which purports the dildos as “dilDOers” reflects their determination and resilience they hope to stimulate in the rest of the student body.

The move comes as a surprise to other slates running because of the controversies surrounding the dildos official status as Ryerson students. Their lack of speech has kept their platform mysterious and largely up to interpretation, making it difficult to fully understand their political agenda.

“They only started going here like a week ago, it’s just surprising to see that they’re so seriously interested in school politics,” current president of the RSU Susanna Nyaga said. “I have to wonder what their motives are. Do they really want to integrate into Ryerson student society or are they trying to take over the school?”

Though the dildos aren’t capable of verbal communication or sentient thought, some Ryerson students believe past RSU members may have also lacked these skills but still held office.

Other slate leaders have expressed similar concerns pertaining to the dildos running, with some arguing their lack of experience makes them wholly unfit candidates.

Ruth Lebedo, who heads Hot Rods as their campaign manager, says that according to the bylaws there is nothing prohibiting the dildos from running.

“There is no one line in the entirety of the RSU bylaws and election guidelines that says a dildo cannot run,” Lebedo said. “These dildos have been met with oppression since the day they got here. We should all be standing at attention. Though they may not be able to physically speak, we should all be listening to what they have to say.”

Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi said he agrees with Lebedo.

“Look guys, we have bylaws and election guidelines for a reason: to predict and put rules in place,” he said. “Here at Ryerson, we value diversity. If the bylaws don’t say dildos are not allowed to run, then who am I to stop such an innovative campaign!”  

In a statement to The Eyeopener, a dildo by the name of Dildo Baggins, who is running for vice-president operations, allegedly wrote that he and his team expected the heavy criticism.

“You don’t go through life as a dildo without having seen some really harrowing shit,” the statement read. “And I mean that both literally and figuratively. The reaction other slates have had to us running is nothing we can’t handle.”

Despite lengthy criticism, the dildos show no sign of stepping down.

Though it is too early for official campaigning to have started, Lebedo says her team of running executives are excited to bring their unique perspectives and ideas to Ryerson’s student body.

“I don’t want to give any spoilers, but we’re really hoping our platform will appeal to all of the students at Ryerson. They want to be the best dildos they can be, for the students.”

Could this finally mean justice for the dildos? Nominations close on Jan. 26 at 5 p.m. and voting will run on Feb. 13 to 15.

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