Nuit Blanche for art snobs

By Skyler Ash

The night art hoes have waited for all year is finally upon us: Nuit Blanche. On September 29, artsy high school kids who are drunk off half a cooler, OCAD kids who are too talented to be there and people who stumbled out of a corner bar will all congregate to enjoy some art—at night!

So here’s The Eye’s definitive guide on how to attend Nuit Blanche like the true art snob you’re not qualified to be but are happy to pretend to be.

• Dress the part. If you’re going to attend this edgy event, make sure to dress in all black. If you’re not wearing a turtleneck and jeans so ripped they’re falling off your body, then don’t even bother showing up. 
• Do that hair up right nice. Remember reading The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton in the eighth grade? And how the boys were always greasy, hair slicked back so much it never moved? That’s what you should aim for. If there’s a stiff wind, your hair should be able to stand up to it, literally. The more product, the better. If you need more inspiration, turn on an episode of Friends and look at Ross. That greasy-haired bastard is your idol.
• Talk the talk. Everyone who attends Nuit Blanche does so because they have an interest in art (or at least they pretend to). Every person you see is a new opportunity. Don’t wait for them to come to you, you should go to them. Don’t say hello, don’t shake their hand. Simply open with a, “So, what do you think?” And after briefly pretending to care what they say, cut them off and give them your opinion, even if you don’t have one. Keyphrases The Eye recommends are, “there’s a lot to unpack here”, “the colours really tell a story,” and, “I’ve seen better.”
• Carry one inexplicable item. This will create an aloof, “I have better things that I could be doing, but instead, here I am with you peasants, enjoying some street art in the dark” vibe that the event calls for. This item could be: a small bowl of water holding a single goldfish, an Oxford English dictionary (2008 edition), your grandfather’s last will and testament or simply a bag of garbage that is, at a minimum, seventeen days old.

With these tips, you’ll be rolling up to the ‘old NB like the true art bitch you know you are! But I think everyone would really rather you stay at home.