Interview by Connor Thomas
For our special Love, Sex & Health issue, Eye reporter Connor Thomas interviewed sex blogger and manager of one of Ontario’s Stag Shop locations, who has asked to remain anonymous. In the discussion she talked to me about fetishes and why they matter: how they come to be, how trauma can impact them, and why we should know about them.
How does one develop a fetish?
There are many different ways to develop a fetish, and even leading experts have a difference of opinion where it comes to this.
One of the most common theories is when a person is in a situation where they encounter something that unexpectedly causes a strong sexual desire, or an object that is prominent in the situation where a strong sexual desire is present that the object and the sexual desire begin to cause an association and when repeatedly exposed to that scenario can eventually develop into a fetish.
How might experiencing trauma, or any variety of negative experience, affect one’s sexual development?
Healing through sexual empowerment. I would like to place a warning here, that I will be discussing controversial and possibly triggering topics, but I am coming from a place of love and healing, without judgment.
There commonly are two reactions to trauma, celibacy and hyper-sexualization. How someone decides to deal with their trauma is valid, and should always be safe, sane and consensual. Trauma manifests differently for different people and there are many people who choose to explore their trauma through sex. After instances of trauma, identity, and especially sexual identity can become lost. When finding one’s self again there are many survivors who turn to BDSM, as one of the core elements of BDSM is ongoing enthusiastic consent, and communication. These are people who will engage in power exchange, where they explore specific elements of their trauma while experiencing an exchange of power while in a safe environment. This can be a healing process for some, but like I said, how ever someone choose to heal from their trauma is valid.
In your line of work, have you ever helped someone come to understand or learn to accept their kinks?
One example I will give is of a man who has become one of my regular patrons at the Scarborough location. When he first came in, he disclosed he was buying lingerie for a companion who was similar in size to himself. Since he did not have the exact sizing we found some lingerie that was “One Size” and he went on his way. After coming back a couple of times, and we would talk about different fits, educating him on how certain pieces would accentuate different features and can change overall perception of body shape. He eventually disclosed that the lingerie items were in fact for him. We joked that it definitely made sizing lingerie much easier. He has become more and more comfortable with buying lingerie for his crossdressing fetish, and has even recently purchased a wig from the store as well. It has been a pleasure to see and even possibly influence his growth as a person.
Why do you think it is important for one to understand their own sexuality and their fetishes?
The importance of understanding your own sexuality and understanding your fetishes comes from exploration of the idea of yourself. People are constantly growing, changing and adapting to all situations in life. Just like our personalities or likes and dislikes, or sexuality grows and changes with us. We typically aim to develop a stronger self as time goes on, and exploring and understanding our sexuality is just another factor in developing that sense.
What advice do you give to people who want to discover their fetishes, or want to be more adventurous with their sexuality, but are afraid to?
My advice for anyone who is developing their sexuality, or exploring their sexual self is always, safe, sane, consensual. Active, enthusiastic consent is sexy. Revel in the moments of growth no matter how unusual they feel to you, or how awkward. Everyone falls off the bed during sex at least once. And it is totally fine to laugh about, as long as you make sure they are okay first. Keep an extra key to the handcuffs taped to the headboard, just in case. Clean your toys properly, it does matter. And never tolerate someone kink shaming you, unless that is your kink, then go do your thing.
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