RSU team elected on promise to commit blue-collar crimes

In Fun & SatireLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Zachary Roman

With Ram Ganesh and the rest of the old executive team a thing of the past, an emergency election held on Feb. 11 saw a new team of execs take power. Aptly named It Can’t Get Any Worse, the party campaigned on a promise to “get things done the old-fashioned way” and “commit crimes for—not against—Ryerson.”

“Like, if it gets our students funding for more accessible mental health services, I don’t see anything wrong with holding up a convenience store or two,” said Shaggy Rogers, a criminology student and the new Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) president. “Blue-collar crime has an air of honesty and transparency that was, like, lacking in the previous administration, man.”

There is a forensic audit of the RSU finances currently underway, regarding the mismanagement of two credit cards with funds totaling $273,000. The statements show large sums of money spent at a tax-evasion seminar and a Bentley dealership.

The other positions on the executive team have been filled by Spider-Man, the skeleton of Michael Caine and a man named Gam Ranesh, who has raised suspicions among conspiracy theorists.

Rogers runs an operation that has worked smoothly so far, with the team already working towards a $5 meal plan by tipping over Uber Eats cars to bolt away with random orders.

“We can save bank for students.” Rogers said. “The RU-Pass is going to become optional, all we need to do is hijack a few TTC buses and then no student has to pay for transit again.”

At the team’s inauguration—the first ever inauguration for an RSU team—Rogers delivered a PowerPoint presentation on the ethical principles of blue-collar crime. He demonstrated why he thinks it’s the superior fundraising method to increase student group funds and save students money.

“I believe that if you are going to commit an indictable offence, you should be upfront about it,” said Rogers, who is known professionally in the blue-collar crime community as the third wet bandit who didn’t make the movie. “There is nothing behind–the–scenes about where we get our money. We simply throw on our clown masks or balaclavas and head to the nearest CIBC branch. Then we’ve got a budget for next year’s concert.”

Spider-Man says he is looking to move past his “friendly neighbourhood superhero” image and pursue more serious roles for the benefit of Ryerson University.

“As vice-president student life & events, I don’t truly have a role so I can decide what I wanna do on a day to day basis,” said Spider-Man.

Gam Ranesh is an enigma. There is no information on him at this time—but something is very familiar about the new VP education.

“I’m ecstatic to see how the students of Ryerson react to their new RSU team and finally get all the money they deserve,” Rogers said.

Leave a Comment