Proving how unathletic we all are

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By Nathaniel Crouch

We’ve grown complacent watching the student athletes of Ryerson in our gymnasiums and Dimble Diggins is on a mission to get us out of our athletic gazing funk.

Whenever there is a big event or game where they offer something free, students flock support their student athletes in gold and blue and watch whatever sport happens to be there.

To the average student, the athletes are the equivalent of watching gods play in the realm of mortals.  They have the same list of abilities as Superman—naturally excluding the weakness to the word “Martha”. 

Diggins will be among the Ryerson student athletes starting in the fall 2019 semester in his very own separate category called “normal person” to show to every viewer just how freaking insane student athletes are. 

“I’ve been working hard on keeping an absolute average bod and diet,” says Diggins. “My workout consists of a run whenever I feel existential dread looming around and six push ups after I go for a McDicks run.”

Have you ever seen how far someone can throw a javelin? The record is 321 feet. I honestly don’t believe I can see that far. Diggins will be swimming, tossing and running against the best of humanity in hopes of teaching everyone just how shitty everyone else is in comparison to the student athletes.

The expected time on Diggins’ swim in the 1,500-metre freestyle is about 76 minutes. The record is 14 minutes. 

Having an average human being compete will greatly increase the time of each event as everyone watches something they could go see at their local swimming pool during “senior hour”.

Diggins has earned the title of “Honourary student athlete to a reasonable degree of scientific certainty” and is excited to start his new competitive lifestyle.

“I just need everyone to know that what they do is batshit crazy and the only way to prove it is by showing how utterly unfit the rest of the world is for any kind of serious athleticism.”

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