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A photo pf a male Ryerson student throwing a traffic cone out of anger at the construction fence on Gould street
All Fun & Satire

Parallel universe portal opens on Gould

By Zachary Roman

Over 1,500 incoming first-years swarmed Gould Street on Sept. 6 in a coordinated attempt to once and for all see what was hiding behind the construction fences. 

The unofficial frosh event “Let’s storm Gould Street, they can’t stop all of us” was orchestrated on the “Accepted – Ryerson University, Class of 2023” Facebook page by first-year student Gary Aphiff-Teewon. 

With nearly 5,000 members, Aphiff-Teewon says the group is a great place to organize a mob. 

The day of the event, Ryerson security was called to the scene but they were 20 minutes late because they had to finish sending out security incident emails.

Eyewitnesses reported seeing students break down the fences, charging through at full speed. “I was surprised to see an ordinary street and a couple of construction workers getting nothing done,” said Bri Too-Tense, a first-year film student. 

A rift in time and space appeared at the corner of Victoria and Gould streets. It grew slowly, crackling with energy and sucking in the light around it until it stopped and manifested into a gate with its doors wide open. Inside, all you could see was darkness. Too-Tense was the first brave student to enter the portal. She said it totally reminded her of this one indie film she watched, but refused to tell us the title because we “probably haven’t heard of it.”

Aphiff-Teewon was the second person to enter the portal. He said the other side was a parallel universe to ours, where Gould Street was finished—and it was beautiful. “It felt too good to be true. I explored campus further and questioned their student body on a wide range of topics,” said Aphiff-Teewon. Among his findings were that the Ryerson Students’ Union never had a credit card scandal and Doug Ford ceased to exist. Most shockingly, everyone actually got into the courses they wanted.

Of the 1,500 students who entered the portal, over a third decided to stay. However, their time in the alternate universe was short-lived. “We realized the reason everyone got into the courses they wanted was because students were forced into gladiator combat at the Kerr Hall Quad if a class got overfilled,” said Too-Tense. According to Too-Tense, Gould Street was finished because of the profit President Mohamed Lachemi made from gambling on these gladiator battles.

This information spread like the common cold at a Pitman Hall Residence party on a Friday night. Students left the universe, not wanting to face a fate like the protagonists’ in The Hunger Games. The portal disappeared into thin air. The only signs that anything at all had happened were the overturned fences. Side effects reported from the portal travellers were mild nausea and crippling existential dread. “Overall, I’m very pleased with how my event ran,” said Aphiff-Teewon. “There were no casualties, only mild property damage. They truly couldn’t stop us all.”

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