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All COVID-19 Fun & Satire

Here’s what to do while self-isolating, based on your zodiac sign

By Andrea Josic

Self-isolation can be a lonely and unnerving time, and rise-and-grind Twitter with its “unlock your creativity” mindset is promoting a pipe dream at best. Lucky for you, we’ve comprised a list of fun and extremely unproductive things you’ll feel really comfortable and excited doing—all based on your zodiac sign.


It must be hard for you that COVID-19 is taking the spotlight when Aries season is supposed to be all about you. To take out some of that anger, smash a plate in your kitchen. For extra flair, throw it up against the ceiling. Confetti! Happy birthday!


If you have a backyard, kneel down and whisper into the Earth, “My sweet gentle angel,” while gently petting an individual blade of grass. If you don’t have a backyard, stare into any tree outside your window and play the recorder directly at it.


Lying. It’s what you know best!


This is a good excuse for you to project your feelings on yet another situation rather than take responsibility for your emotions. Cry as much as you can. When your e-therapist asks, “What’s wrong?” and you say, “the pandemic,” they will appropriately pull out your file and add that to their notes under “mechanisms for emotional avoidance.”


Being the centre of attention is hard when you’re the only person in your room. Not to worry—grab a mirror and blow kisses at it until your ego inflates and your balloon body floats into the sky. Weeeee!


Take advantage of the open-access content on JSTOR and read, read, read! Do tons of learning so that when you get out of self-isolation, you’re ready to interrupt people as soon as they start talking and self-assert that Big Brain™ of yours.


Overuse the Instagram Live feature to talk about world peace and lead guided meditations. When you finish, break down privately about the fact that self-isolation has ruined your spring break trip to Cancun.


Ruminate on a plan to get back at somebody who insulted you six years ago. If you need inspiration, try reaching out to your distant relative—the devil—for ideas on how to blueprint a plan to “accidentally” set a house on fire.


Self-sabotaging is difficult when you can’t blame it on a night out. Some alternatives include: day-drinking and texting your ex, eating your sibling’s quarantine snacks on purpose or getting really high and staring at yourself in the mirror until you stop feeling real.


There are several options that reflect your personality: watching paint dry, waiting for water to boil, being on hold for nearly an hour with your bank—some of life’s most mundane tasks.


Get to work on that art project you’ve been putting off. Can’t let people forget just how ~quirky~ and “not like other girls” you are during these trying times.


Download Tinder in your hometown in the hopes you’ll get matched with your high school crush who used to work at Shoppers Drug Mart. Lead him on for a few days, ghost him, then write him a tear-soaked letter begging him for attention again.

1 Comment

  1. Charmaine

    As an Aries I feel seen but also this is an enabler I didn’t need

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