Your Rye crisis based on your zodiac sign

By Alexandra Holyk

Rye High’s had quite a year. From the Student Choice Initiative (SCI) to the never-ending construction to the three student governing bodies to watching professors figure out lectures on Zoom/Google Meets—*big gasp for more breath*—students are wondering why their proclamation of “2020 is gonna be my year!” failed to deliver its promise. Many are even contemplating starting a petition to do something about it. 

The Eyeopener has come up with its own theory of why this academic year has gone to complete shit—and no, it’s not all Ram Ganesh’s fault—and we’ve decided to look to the stars for answers. Find out which Rye crisis you are based on your zodiac sign: 

Ryerson’s Campus Core Revitalization project

~ Capricorn, Pisces and Taurus ~

Construction on Gould Street is not going to end anytime soon. Like a Pisces, it’s completely emotionally unstable and can no longer handle the university’s last-minute additions to the project. With Taurus’ stubborn nature, it’s no wonder the pipes in the middle of the road haven’t moved yet. And Capricorns are just boring, so it’s no wonder they embody the only consistent crisis the university has seen throughout the year. It’s not all bad, though. Pisces artistic side and Taurus’ creative side results in the “beautification” of Ryerson’s campus in the arrangement of assorted shrubs, “multifunctional light fixtures” and blades of grass. 

The student strike

~ Aries ~

Ah yes, the iconic one-day strike in November 2019 embodies Aries’ determination and stubbornness—otherwise known as its “big baby with anger management issues” personality trait. This fire sign’s anger alone fuels the fire within student activists’ souls—giving them the power to chant with all their might from the depth of their bosoms: “The students united will never be defeated!” as they form a ring of fire and burn a sacrificial Doug Ford puppet in the intersection of Yonge and Dundas streets.

The termination of the Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) by the university

~ Libra and Scorpio ~

Scorpio’s compulsiveness came to the forefront when the RSU wouldn’t accept the termination of its operating agreement with Ryerson. They used their UNO reverse card on vice-provost, students Jen McMillen with an injunction, asking the university to release funds withheld from the students’ union and recognize them as the official governing body. The Libra diplomacy came through for the RSU when they won. Rumour has it that Ryerson just couldn’t handle the RSU’s Scorpio horny thirstiness after finding out the students’ union was cheating on them; spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on something other than the school. 

The new student government(s)

~ Cancer and Sagittarius ~

Although this crisis lasted only six weeks, it seemed to really appeal to students. Ryerson was going to have not one but two student governing bodies—enlisting Cancer’s sympathetic character in giving graduate students the union they’ve been wanting for years. But like Sagittarius’ tendency to promise more than it can deliver and its inability to stay in one place for a long period of time, both student government structures dissolved before they even had the chance to blossom.

The cancellation of in-person classes and events because of COVID-19

~ Aquarius and Leo ~

This crisis cancels out all other crises because of BEDMAS. It channels Aquarius’ unpredictability, absolute fucked-up-ness and overall aloofness. We’re in quarantine meaning we’re not allowed past the edge of our driveway, we’ve narrowed down our necessities to four cases of toilet paper and 50 miniature bottles of hand sanitizer and we’re heading into online-only finals that are anything but your average exams. It’s inner Leo is loving it though—the spotlight has been on Queen Corona for three weeks and counting, and only she can decide when this whole thing will be over.

Doug Ford’s SCI

~ Gemini and Virgo ~

This takes us all the way back to the beginning of the year when Ford decided to ruin students’ lives by introducing a list of non-essential services students had the choice of paying for. This included things like student groups and course unions, the campus radio station CJRU and our beloved newspaper. Ford might be a Scorpio sun, but his moon sign is definitely a Virgo with a little Gemini rising, as a treat—the unholy astrological trinity. Honestly, did you really think that sociopathic Gemini and Virgo wouldn’t be the cause of the problem that started this fucked up year?