Selfish roommate cares about deadly global pandemic too much

By Aishah Ashraf

For three brave roommates in Pitman Hall, the desire to live life to the fullest is powerful enough to overcome whatever health risks or government-enforced restrictions may stand in their way. 

Duncan McOkiner, Hugh Jass and Mike Oxlong have courageously come forward to share their experiences with a fourth roommate, Anita Nuplace, who they say “selfishly wreaks havoc” on the free-spirited bros simply trying to have a good time.

“It’s just so disappointing dude,” said McOkiner, a business technology management student. “We’re just a couple of young, low-key, humble guys trying to live our lives. Since when is that a crime?”

The other two bros agreed with McOkiner’s assessment of Nuplace as a total buzzkill.

“We’ll have a few people come over—just like 25 friends—and she’ll threaten to call the cops. She gets super anal when we play spin the bottle too, like dude, take a chill pill. She’s probably just jealous that she doesn’t get to kiss anyone,” said Oxlong. 

Despite community members standing in solidarity with the three boys, Nuplace has had enough. 

“I seriously don’t understand how they don’t get it! For god’s sake, Hugh’s mom almost died when he passed the virus onto her but they still choose to go out,” she said.

The boys recently all tested positive for COVID-19, but this was still not enough to restrict their freedom. Although Jass doesn’t primarily live with his family, he makes frequent trips back home so he can get his mom to do his laundry and, naturally, spread the virus to his loved ones.

“I mean yeah, my mom tested positive for the virus but she’s a soldier. I wouldn’t visit her if I didn’t think she could fight it—I’m not a dick,” said Jass. “I was worried I’d have to start missing out on some of my plans with the boys, but thankfully she’s all good now. One of her lungs doesn’t work, but she’s alive OK? Jeez.”

With the overwhelming support received from like-minded students, the three boys were encouraged to use their brilliance to form a new student group: Resistance Is Power (RIP). 

As joint co-presidents, McOkiner, Jass and Oxlong host frequent meetings for their seven members to encourage individuals to “live their best life” despite the pandemic. RIP congregates in a new location every week in hopes to expand the group and spread the “adventure bug” to as many people as possible.

“Everyone’s been really great and cooperative so far. We’ve got a lot of people to join our mission and it’s incredible to see all of them supporting us with our goal at RIP,” said Oxlong.

The love from the boys’ supporters seems to grow at an exponential pace everyday, but Nuplace remains among the minority who disapprove.

“I think it’s despicable that we live under the same roof and she still wakes up everyday, choosing to selfishly object to our goals. You’d think she would have some loyalty when it comes to her roommates,” added Jass.

RIP continues to enroll new members daily and plan frequent visits to their local anti-vaccination hypnotherapy hospital, run by Freud’s Restorative Association of Urgent Diligence (FRAUD), nobly demonstrating their support for individuals battling the virus. 

“We just want to show the haters that we do care. We can live our lives however we want and still show our support for patients,” said McOkiner. 

“We applaud the help of McOkiner and his friends so we might bring them back to cheer up the folks throughout this hard time,” said Dr. Daum Bass, chief of mind-icine. “The patients love it when the group comes in, smothering them with love and affection.”

Nuplace is currently on the hunt for a new residence after seeing no change in her roommates’ behaviour.

“I’m just going to let nature take its course here. This is the survival of the fittest and I’m sure they’ll live up to their club name soon enough,” she said