EIC survives tumultuous year then dies due to lack of buoyancy knowledge

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By The KHamilton Krew

When now-former Eyeopener editor-in-chief Catherine Abes pictured her perfect hot girl summer, she never imagined it would end with her drowning in a lake just outside KHamilton, Ont.

After the year Abes had—filled with a l*ws**t, Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) drama and working completely online, oh my!—all she wanted was to get vaxxed and see Pat Chase, the current love-of-her-life-who-doesn’t-know-it-yet-but-she-knows-his-social-insurance-number.

Since the 23-year-old Abes had yet to pass her driver’s knowledge test, she desperately searched for someone who could drive her to meet the man who had bewitched her, body and soul. 

So, she and news editors Alexandra Holyk, Heidi Lee and Charlize Alcaraz got into Holyk’s 18-year-old “but he’s totally fine, guys,” Chrysler Sebring and headed toward the small town of KHamilton.

The road trip wasn’t an easy one. After Holyk picked everyone up in Toronto, they encountered thousands of anti-maskers blocking traffic. 

Just when Holyk was about to stop, Abes let out an “eep!” and told her to “step on it,” even at the cost of running over the sea of COVIDiots.

“She grabbed me by the shoulders while I was driving and yelled: ‘Hit the gas, chickadee! The show must go on—just like how we kept publishing during the pandemic’!” Holyk recalled while sobbing. “It was a classic Cath pep talk.” 

As they finally merged onto the highway, they saw a commercial billboard promoting girlboss culture. Its embodiment of girlboss culture gaslit and gate-kept them from moving forward. The caucasity of the billboard caused everyone to start vomiting uncontrollably, unable to live, laugh or love. 

Upon Abes’ request, the crew stopped at a drive-in theatre to watch Little Women. Abes was adamant to rewatch the film for the hundredth time as she was wearing a newly-thrifted peasant blouse that embodied her “I am Jo March” delusions. 

While mouthing along to the “Women!!!! They have minds and they have souls, as well as just hearts” monologue, Abes was suddenly attacked by Bella and Ruth, her two cats who had hidden in the trunk. According to a cat translator app, Bella said the cats resented Abes leaving them behind for a man who looks like “the rat from Flushed Away.” 

“The show must go on—just like how we kept publishing during the pandemic”

With scratches all over her and one chunky cat in her lap, Abes smoked a joint homegrown by MadiWongWay Inc., but left just less than half of it “for later.”  

The smell of canola oil hit her nostrils, a scent which she insisted meant they were close to Gould Street. This incited violence in Abes’ dispirited, no-spring-convocation soul. 

“The smell haunts me,” she said, as she walked further from her messy news children. “I  know it’s there, I know it’s there.”

Lee and Alcaraz both said they had no idea what she was talking about. However, biz and tech editor Aaliyah Dasoo did recall a satire piece being published on the subject, but was aware, like literally every single person who read it, that the information it contained was false.

“I don’t care what Cath says, Gould Street has never smelled like canola oil,” Dasoo said. “I know a white man fighting with her can bring up some residual trauma but she has to know the truth,” Dasoo added, referring to how Chase left Abes on ‘read’ three days ago.

Abes, on her hunt to find the source of the canola oil scent, ended up finding several skinny white men at Lake Worst-case-Ontario, as seen in Google street view footage obtained by The Eye

The video shows Abes hiding behind the tall rocks around Lake Worst-case-Ontario, shaking in fear.

A lip-reading expert contracted by The Eye found that Abes was whispering the word “No” repeatedly as she bent down to take a closer look at the group of cute hockey boys skating.

Unknowingly, she fell off the edge of a cliff, landing in deep lake water. This caused a “That’s So Raven” flashback for Abes to a time when communities editor Kiernan Green mentioned he took baths in lake water. Distracted, Abes didn’t realize what was happening to her. As she waved her arms and struggled to stay afloat, her phone started playing “Timber” by Pitbull feat. Ke$ha. Unfortunately, Abes’ inability to grasp and apply the basic concept of buoyancy led to her ultimate demise. 

When the news broke to the other members of masthead, they all began typing F’s in the #random Slack channel out of respect for their fallen leader.

Lee was quick to snap a photo of Abes as she went down and uploaded it as a custom emoji on Slack. “Current and future masthead members alike will now always be able to react to work messages using Cath’s final moments,” said Lee. 

Alcaraz, on the other hand, finished the TikTok dance to “Timber” and flicked what was left of the joint into Lake Lake Worst-case-Ontario, so Abes could hit it in the afterlife. 

As Holyk stood there hysterically crying at the death of her protector, she was interrupted by Instagram direct messages from Vanessa Higgins and Miami Sin 6237 asking if she liked her early half-birthday present.

At Abes’ funeral, sports editor Will Baldwin finally got over the toxic masculinity of “big boys don’t cry” and shed one single tear. “Though we never ended up fighting in this world, I promise I will fight you in the next,” said Baldwin as he poured a glass of milk onto Abes’ grave, topping it off with a steak.

Abes’ ghost has already been sighted numerous times on campus, lurking the empty halls surrounding Balzac’s and The Eyeopener office. She particularly frequents the spinny chair in the editor-in-chief’s office and her ghoulish voice can be heard making TikToks and lamenting why Chase still hasn’t texted her back.

“He got a sudden urge to lick it off the floor, similar to how Abes would act at Dance Cave”

Although incoming editor-in-chief Tyler Griffin has yet to witness Abes’ ghost in person, he said he has received numerous spooky messages from her since her passing. 

“As the Darkest Timeline version of Cath, we have a special bond that transcends the laws of death and metaphysics,” Griffin said. 

He recalled seeing his fridge door spontaneously open and milk spilling out on his kitchen floor, spelling out the words: “UPDATE GOOGLE CALENDAR.” He also said he got a sudden urge to lick it off the floor, similar to how Abes would act at Dance Cave.

Several cans of pinto beans have also mysteriously turned up on Griffin’s doorstep, which he believes reflects Abes’ frequent use of the word “bean” as a term of endearment. 

“It’s nice to know Cath will always be looking out for The Eyeopener, even from beyond the grave,” Griffin said. He then closed his eyes and paused for a few seconds, before passing on a final message:

“She says it’s time for revenge for all the bullying, btw.”

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