By Rochelle Raveendran
If you’re still feeling upset about Ryerson University changing its name, don’t worry! Change can be scary, and it’s perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable. Take this quiz to determine the best way for you to deal with all your emotions.
What’s your favourite George Orwell quote?
A. “…Every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered.”
B. “He disliked nearly all women, and especially the young and pretty ones.”
C. “Previously on Big Brother Canada: BB CAN hit warp speed, welcoming eight newcomers and seven second-chancers.”
D. “Snowball was a more vivacious pig than Napoleon, quicker in speech and more inventive, but was not considered to have the same depth of character.”
Is Canada the new Soviet Union? Is the Truth and Reconciliation Act the new Конституции СССР? Out of all the members of Stalin’s cabinet, who would be Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi’s BFF? Is Eggy our Mikhail Gorbachev?
A. We are living in a communist state. The shadow of the Iron Curtain falls across my face as I sunbathe in Oakville. And o’ I weep, how I weep.
B. I feel like Eggy’s fur gives him a stronger Leonid Brezhnev vibe.
C. Listen: I couldn’t care less about history, politics or the history of politicians. But I don’t see how that’s relevant for this quiz???
D. Yes.
Chihuahuas: thoughts?
A. Overgrown rats.
B. Undergrown cats.
C. Cute, but they’re brats.
D. I’d rather have a really, really chunky Berkshire pig.
What was the last movie you watched?
A. A three-hour documentary on Bob Dylan directed by Martin Scorsese. My friends tell me I’m insufferable!
B. Cinderella with Camilla Cabello. Had all my favourite qualities: a love story, James Corden playing an anthropomorphic animal and a heartfelt, Amazon-produced storyline about supporting small business.
C. Joker. I relate to him because no one thinks I’m funny and I also own a blood-red suit and mustard waistcoat from Zara. No other reason.
D. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted.
What is your biggest concern about Ryerson renaming?
A. I have lost the world-wide prestige and admiration invoked when people hear I’m a Ryerson graduate. This scenario has never occured yet, but now it DEFINITELY won’t happen.
B. There…There was a girl. Long ago, years now, but when I close my eyes, it feels like yesterday. The first time I kissed her, we were standing under the Ryerson sign nailed onto Kerr Hall. Am I holding onto the name when I’d rather be holding onto her? Perhaps. But she’s moved on. Yeah. She’s moved on.
C. All the money I spent on hoodies for the sick Ryerson logo. Now, I’m not gonna look cool anymore when I wear them!
D. I just feel bad for the people who are sad the name’s changing—I’m an empath, you see.
When you’ve finished grocery shopping, what do you do with your shopping cart?
A. Ram it into the nearest Chevrolet that isn’t black or silver.
B. Give it a slight push. Let it drift and roll, roll and drift across the parking lot, totally unmoored, while I watch.
C. I never use a shopping cart; I use my hands, like a man. Also, I frequently open up and chug a can of Coke in a store before paying for it. I’m pretty off-the-rails.
D. Push it all the way back to the shopping cart station.
Do you think Kristen Stewart will pull off playing Princess Diana in Pablo Larraín’s new film?
A. I believe the Royal Family is a figment of popular imagination due to the innate human desire to be controlled. This movie is an extension of an international mass hallucination.
B. Absolutely.
C. I know nothing about this movie but I bet Harry and Meghan have something to do with it. In fact, I’m certain they do. Let me ruminate on this for a while and I’ll get back to you.
D. I just feel sorry for the Queen. That’s all I have to say.
How are you feeling, really?
A. Bored.
B. Bored.
C. Bored.
D. Bored.
ANSWER KEY:
Mostly As: You’re suffering from a build-up of tension accumulated over the past several years. Chew on a doggie dental toy for a cathartic and relaxing activity.
Mostly Bs: You just need little love in your heart. Reply to any emails you’ve received from recently-widowed multi-millionaires or princes looking for someone to help them manage their fortune. Remember: opportunities for romance are everywhere.
Mostly Cs: You are constantly angry and it’s unclear why. Maybe go to therapy or something?
Mostly Ds: You’re just looking for community! We’ve all been there. Why not do it in a more productive setting—join a beginner’s origami club or help an elderly man with his shopping at Dollarama.
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