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A vintage television that says Breaking News with a picture of Tyler Griffin
Photo: Jes Mason
All Editorial Fun & Satire

Eyevestigation: Who killed Tyler Griffin?

By Le Newz

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental.

The last time The Eyeopener masthead heard from current Editor-in-Chief (EIC) Tyler Griffin, he was informing masthead members that first reads were due at 7 p.m., that he has recovered from COVID-19 thanks to his superhuman immune system and that he will be present at the weekly circulation of the paper. 

Little did The Eye masthead members know this would be the last time they’d ever hear from Griffin again. 

When they opened The Eye office door last Thursday to dutifully perform their circulation duties, Griffin’s body was sprawled on top of the latest and final issue of The Eyeopener. As photo editors Jes Mason, Laila Amer and Vanessa Kauk walked in, they immediately burst into tears, mourning the loss of the beautiful cover, which was now ruined by the dead EIC’s blood. 

Griffin’s love for arts, culture and fashion ironically didn’t manifest itself on his death bed—he was murdered in sweatpants and a lumpy Ryerson hoodie where the word “Ryerson” was crossed out, by nothing else but Griffin’s own blood.

Instead of calling the police because ACAB, the news team used their investigative skills to launch a full scale inquiry into his murder. 

The team is more than qualified—Thea Gribilas has a family member in law and is addicted to true crime; Heidi Lee loves catching Pokémon, which is close enough to catching a convict; and Edward Djan has watched enough episodes of How to Get Away with Murder to know how to get away with murder. 

Immediately, the news team knew there was no way that he could have died from COVID-19 since, according to former EIC Catherine Abes, mixed-race people have a strong immune system. “I think that one study might have said that once, but truly who knows?” she said. “Although I feel like I may be immune to COVID-19.”

So if it wasn’t COVID-19, what—or rather, who—was it?

“He definitely made some enemies this year,” said online editor Alexandra Holyk. “There are lots of people who could have killed him as revenge for The Eye’s coverage.”

“Could it be Egerton Ryerson?” news editor Lee asked. 

“But how? He’s about as dead as a dinosaur,” fun and satire editor Rochelle Raveendran replied.

“Friends of Egerton Ryerson really do love that man,” news editor Gribilas mused. “For what reason, I’m not sure. But they really aren’t happy with Tyler’s op-ed and who knows what a fan could be capable of.” 

The team decided to consult features editor and die-hard Kim Nam-joon stan Abeer Khan on the power of fandom. Khan is undeniably an expert since she published Love, Sex and Fandom this year. But after Khan’s thorough analysis, she concluded that the Egerton fandom is incapable of murder since the most they could do is make quizzes and blog posts about Egerton Ryerson. 

Following Griffin’s death, The Eye asked for comment from Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi, but his office said he was too busy writing another Toronto Star op-ed about how revolutionary the renaming will be.

As the team continued to ponder the murder, several Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) executives walked by. When they were asked about the murder, they said they were not aware of Griffin’s death; they also could not provide an alibi when asked for one. 

Avoiding any further questions, the group quickly wished that Griffin rest in peace and bid the masthead farewell as they scurried out to another RSU BeaverTails truck on Gould Street.

Throughout his tenure, Griffin made enemies of his own on The Eye’s masthead, including arts and culture editor Elizabeth Sargeant.

Reflecting on Griffin’s time as EIC, Sargeant said, “Tyler was always harder on me. During every meeting, he would make fun of my pitches. I think he was just jealous because I was a better arts and culture editor than he was.” 

However, Sargeant’s alibi, the karaoke club down the road, was verified by media editor Sonia Khurana, as she was filming Sargeant perform the whole soundtrack album of Grease.

“We have so many motives, but no suspects yet,” said news editor Djan. “For all we know, I could have killed Tyler.”

Lee and Gribilas gave Djan a funny look. Could he have done this? Was it possible that the stress of being a news editor got to him and he just snapped?

Business and technology editor Charlize Alcaraz, who is also The Eye’s resident cannabis expert, broke the loaded silence. “I smell something,” Alcaraz said as she sniffed the air. “Cheap weed, no…” She took another, deeper sniff. “It’s not just cheap…it’s poisoned.”

“So Tyler was poisoned then?” asked Gribilas.

“Yes,” Alcaraz said with a mysterious shadow cast on her face, despite there being no light in the room. “There’s a wrapper beside him.”

“Dead end!” exclaimed Djan, as he looked around for validation of his poor and inappropriate joke.

Alcaraz broke the second moment of silence: “Let’s just walk outside and look for clues.”

As the group started walking, the universal Apple ringtone started going off and everyone went for their phones.

It was communities editor Serena Lopez calling Lee.

Lee quickly put her phone on speakerphone and Lopez said, “Heidi we were going to get you guys some BeaverTails to help you decompress, but the truck was gone—and so was the RSU.”

The four ran back to the Student Campus Centre where sports editor Gavin Axelrod said he’d seen the RSU members run outside after their conversation with the news team. When the RSU members arrived at the BeaverTails truck they yelled for everyone to leave. 

Axelrod said he’d overheard the members muttering that The Eye is on to them. 

“How will we find them now?” said Djan.

As he was saying this, the news team got an email from RSU president Siddhanth Satish himself informing them of an RSU board of directors meeting occurring in 12 minutes. 

All the editors proceeded to join the meeting, yet  the whereabouts of RSU executives were unrecognizable because their Zoom cameras were all off. 

The news team left the meeting, and saw online editor Abby Hughes.

“Did you figure it out?” asked Hughes. “I need to do a breaking tweet.”

The three news editors exchanged mysterious glances between each other: first, Lee and Gribilas, then Gribilas and Djan, and finally Djan and Lee. Hughes watched all these glances unfold and felt a chill down her spine. No words were necessary.

Today, the murder of Tyler Griffin remains unsolved, similar to the mysterious disappearance of Ram Ganesh (and some money)…But that’s a story for another time.

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