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All Fun & Satire

Twitter Verification? No thanks, we have better things to buy

By Dexter LeRuez

Following tech billionaire Elon Musk’s acquisition of society’s third-favourite social media platform, Twitter, the real-life supervillain has announced that verification on the site will now cost $8 a month. 

But many believe $8 a month for a virtual check mark simply isn’t worth it. Unless of course, you are Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) and pay for Twitter Blue verification. 

Here at The Eyeopener, we’ve come up with alternative ways that you can better spend your eight dollars—sorry, 7.99—around TMU’s campus. 

Grab tacos from Birria Catrina

Most TMU students have seen the birria taco stand just across the street from the Sheldon and Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre (SLC). So why not grab yourself a bite to eat in between classes? For $8, you can get a cup of consommé broth and a singular taco. 

What’s that? There isn’t enough taco to soak up the consommé? Don’t worry! Once you are done your taco, just slurp that consommé up like a meaty spiced hot chocolate. Dee-licious!

Buy five cans of Arizona Iced Tea

Despite the rising cost of inflation, the people over at Arizona Iced Tea remain adamant that an iced tea should only cost $1.29 ($0.99 in the U.S). This means that you can still sip down five of those sweet beverages for just under $8, even with tax! 

Buy three pounds of onions

If you are short on time and are looking to get some veggies into your diet look no further! This week, the Gould Street Metro is offering three pounds of red onions for $4.99. Another great snack for between classes, just grab a raw onion and chomp on it like you would an apple. 

Worried about your breath stinking up your three hour lecture? Don’t worry! Metro also sells toothpaste for $1.99. Onions and toothpaste? What a steal.

Buy a fake chain

Why pay for an online clout subscription when you can get one in real life? All of your classmates will think you look so cool with your totally real “gold” chain. You can even upgrade your style by using the eight dollars that you save in future months to buy sunglasses, an absurd amount of hair gel or AXE body spray that can be smelt all the way from Ottawa. 

Go to the movie theatre

The Cineplex movie theatre at Yonge-Dundas is quite easy to reach for TMU students, located just two blocks from the SLC. Granted, with your $8 you won’t be able to actually watch any movies (Tuesdays included sadly). But we’re sure you can get a bag of kid-sized popcorn or something. 

Invest in D2L 

D2L/Desire 2 Learn/Brightspace. No matter what you call it, TMU students know it as one thing: that online learning platform that lets our professors get way too comfortable giving us online work. So the next time you are forced to create three discussion posts and respond to five of your classmates’ posts, why not take pride in the fact that at least you are making money from your misery by investing in D2L for about $5.50!

Buy 32 Hillman Finish Hex Nuts

Whether you are working with motors, want to make a homemade fidget spinner or just want to make a joke that’s punch line has to do with genitalia, there are plenty of reasons why you may want to buy some nuts. Luckily for you, Canadian Tire at the Eaton Centre sells some high quality nuts for just 22 cents per nut. At that price, you can get a grand total of 32 nuts for your eight dollars. That’s a whole lot of nuts!

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