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A woman shushing while standing in an elevator. A sign that says "fucking" with an "X" over it hangs above her head.
Kinza Zafar/The Eyeopener
All Fun & Satire

The Eye’s guide of the worst places to shag on campus

By a-cool-m0m-127

You and your partner—or perhaps just a current friend-with-benefits—are on campus. Suddenly, a wave of horniness washes over you and there is a need to get it on—or under something—as soon as possible. Places to get right down to business should be soft, comfortable, at least decently sanitary and also usually private—but those are usually hard to come by at Toronto Metropolitan University. 

To help you stay discreet and avoid getting into any stickier situations, The Eyeopener has curated a list of places to avoid doing the do on campus. These locations are well-exposed, unhygienic and not comfortable in any aspect, so you and your party of two can avoid them when the urges get too strong. 

Victoria Building elevators 

We know what you’re thinking and it is totally untrue—they will not slow down long enough to accommodate your wild fantasies. However many hot minutes you think those rickety and dirty elevators will lag, it is definitely not enough time to reach a release before you’re face-to-face with a lost and doe-eyed first-year student. In conclusion: please don’t.

George Vari Engineering and Computing Building benches

The smell of desperation, depression and distress should naturally deter you away from this particular site. If that’s not enough, the floor-to-ceiling windows in front of the benches should do the trick. While we cannot confirm if the building’s signature benches are “clean,” surely the invasion of privacy should rid you from here for good.

Bridge between Rogers Communications Centre and Kerr Hall 

Forget getting caught doing the nasty on this breezy passage. None of that will matter if the foundations of the entire bridge crack and collapse while you’re doing the deed with intense determination. While we cannot corroborate the likelihood of the bridge collapsing due to your thunderous love-making, you can never be too careful. The chances may be low but are never zero. 

The Equipment Distribution Centre at The Creative School

Located inside the Roger Communication Centre, there is simply too much expensive equipment within that room to even try some funny business in there. That being said, this may be one of the most private of any place on campus, given you know how to break in.

Podium Building basement 

Though there are various places to discreetly  do the “horizontal tango” on some abandoned tables, there is absolutely zero ambiance for any sexy moments in the sunlight-scarce basement of the Podium Building. Would you really like to boink your partner whilst listening to the background score of your own actions remixed with the creaking of that rusty table beneath you?

Architecture building  

To each their own but the least sexiest vibes come from the architecture building. The lifeless and bleak personality of the building’s interior is enough to bar your body from sending any blood rushing down south.

Recreation and Athletic Centre squash courts

Again, the windows. We assure you that the people who are trying to squeeze in a quick workout would rather be doing your quick workout—but it would be rude to rub it in their faces. Be a good samaritan and find a location that people cannot peek at from three different angles.

Gould Street Dumpsters

The location has the word “dumpster” in it. We believe no further explanation is needed. 

The third floor couches of the Student Campus Centre

After climbing two and a quarter flights of stairs, obviously you would want to “knock boots” on the nearest surface. Now, the couches situated beside the Toronto Metropolitan Student Union (TMSU) office sure do look comfy and maybe you could attempt a quickie there. Keep in mind though, would it really be the best idea to fornicate in front of the pointed looks of anyone exiting the TMSU office or the Multi-Faith room?

Sheldon & Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre (SLC)

Really, here? Calling this area a public space would be an understatement because even the cashiers at the Eaton Centre’s H&M can sneak a peek at you having your corn grounded on the harsh pavement of the SLC steps.

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