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Collage of a man wearing sports attire with a blue jay mascot behind him with an ombre background
(SAMMY KOGAN/The Eyeopener)
All Fun & Satire

Sports mascot controversy breaks loose after Lachemi throws first pitch at Jays’ game

By Joshua Chang and Daniella Lopez

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any claims, quotes and names have been created purely for satirical purposes.

A “Battle of the Birds” takes to the air after Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) president Mohamed Lachemi betrays TMU’s unnamed falcon mascot. 

The Toronto Blue Jays swept the weekend series against the Boston Red Sox with a 3-2 walk-off victory on Sept. 17. 

It was totally Lachemi who helped the Blue Jays take the win by throwing the opening ceremonial pitch. 

As a result, some students say Lachemi instigated “The Battle of the Birds” after TMU’s president chose to endorse another bird mascot. 

“Just because our TMU Bold falcon doesn’t have a name yet doesn’t mean that he deserves to be shunned like this,” said sixth-year engineering student Sherwin Karimpoor. 

TMU released a shortlist of names for the mascot—Frankie, Sky and Talon—which will be announced at the men’s hockey homecoming game on Sept. 22, as previously reported by The Eyeopener. While it’s unclear if Lachemi will make an appearance for the falcon’s naming ceremony, he was definitely present to support the Blue Jays’ mascot, Ace.

TMU students came up with the name “The Battle of the Birds” amid the weekend controversy, claiming that Lachemi’s “irrefutable swag” undoubtedly tipped the balance of the game’s results. 

“Me personally, I wouldn’t take that”

“Having President Lachemi throw the first pitch was a good-luck charm to end all good-luck charms,” said fourth-year sport media student Joe Rawdah. “It’s giving Sagittarius energy.” 

Rawdah also mentioned the tension between Ace and the Bold mascot has allegedly grown since Sunday’s game. 

“There’s definitely something going on between those two. It’s too soon to say what,” said Rawdah, stroking his chin.

“The way the Bold mascot was absolutely throwing shade at the Jays was crazy,” said fourth-year financial mathematics student Ilyas Hussein. “Me personally, I wouldn’t take that.”

Hussein noted that he caught our beloved mascot furiously typing away on his smartphone, feathers flying everywhere, during preparation for the homecoming game on Sunday evening.

From Hussein’s observation, an Instagram account named @bluejaysdontslay posted a photo of a blue jay with a baseball glove over its head about four minutes after Lachemi threw the opening pitch. The post and account have since been removed following reports of suspicious activity. 

“There’s bound to be a war in someone’s Instagram Threads,” Karimpoor added. “Do our mascots even have Threads? Does anyone?”

TMU media production professor Beyoncé Knowles-Carter stated that the Jays’ success could have potentially been a premeditated ploy to throw off the opposing team. 

“I mean, who can resist the ‘Legendary Lachemi’ throwing the first pitch at a Jays’ game?” Knowles-Carter said. “It’s entirely possible that his sheer presence was enough to send a wave of unrest through the other team. I would definitely feel it if I heard him say my name, say my name.” 

“There’s definitely something going on between those two”

In a statement to The Eye, Ace said that while he noticed the conflict of interest regarding the TMU president’s participation in the game, he was “generally satisfied” with the impact it allegedly had. 

“The Battle of the Birds can only be settled by Lachemi,” Ace chirped. “Maybe he can have a plate appearance at a TMU Bold baseball game or something.”  

Lachemi and the Bold mascot have refused to comment on the matter at this time. 

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