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Investigation deems TMU microwaves ‘lacklustre’

By Mariyah Salhia

Disclaimer: All sources’ names (and affiliations) are completely fabricated and are in no way related to real-life people, no matter how striking the resemblance—pinky swear.

An investigation into the cleanliness and level of function of Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU)’s public microwaves shows that appliances are providing below-standard popcorn results. 

Microwaves tested at the Student Campus Centre (SCC), Podium (POD) cafeteria, Kerr Hall’s Footnote Cafe and the Ted Rogers School of Management (TRSM) popped what investigators called “subpar,” and in some cases inedible, popcorn. 

Third-party investigators Bilyas Bussein and Laniella Dopez, who tested the popcorn first-hand, said it was “lacklustre” and “should not be eaten unless extremely desperate or high.” 

“It’s like if the [Toronto Maple] Leafs were a microwave”

The popcorn they tested was heated by the microwaves on the second floor of the SCC and was found to be lacking in flavour and general “pizazz.” 

Dopez told The Eyeopener that after initially approaching this microwave, she discovered it was missing a rotating glass plate on the inside—which she said she’s never seen in her years of microwave popcorn evaluations. 

“It’s like if the [Toronto Maple] Leafs were a microwave,” she said. 

Bussein said his experience testing the microwave at the TRSM building was fraught with fears of being eaten alive by bedbugs—allegedly. 

“The alleged bedbugs are allegedly very scary and made the overall experience of conducting this alleged test almost as scary as finding an alleged Oxford comma in Laniella’s final report,” he said. Allegedly. 

The investigators said they tried to test the microwave at the Footnote Cafe for several minutes and nearly gave up on popping any corn after waiting approximately 48 minutes for a table to become available. 

“The limited seating at this venue made it a hostile environment for our test,” said Dopez. Still, after testing this popcorn, the investigators said the buttery smell was the most promising. 

While Dopez and Bussein did conduct tests at the POD building’s microwaves, officials said the microwave’s proximity to the Hub Cafe could compromise the investigation’s integrity in light of recent allegations about Dopez’s relationship with the Hub Cafe. 

When asked if the Hub Cafe was paying her to promote their food, Dopez declined to comment. 

“Frankly, there is no excuse for having a microwave that produces such inedible popcorn”

The investigators said they also analyzed the microwaves in The Eye office at the SCC, which Bussein said had the worst microwave of the entire investigation. 

“The disappointment we faced at the hands of The Eye’s microwave is absolutely unmatched,” he said. 

Bussein and Dopez said their expectations for this popcorn in particular were high but the crushing blow of sub-standard popcorn has led the investigators to deem the prospects for microwaveable popcorn “a total write-off.”

“This [microwave] was by far the most disappointing of them all,” Bussein said. “Frankly, there is no excuse for having a microwave that produces such inedible popcorn.”

TMU is now revising the findings of this investigation. Dopez and Bussein said all they can hope for moving forward is microwaves with more functional popcorn buttons and turntables.

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