By Brigid Wren
Let’s get something straight: I don’t think I’m an easy person to trick. Am I gullible? Occasionally. But that doesn’t make me a bad person. What might make me a bad person is my unbridled love and almost stalker-like obsession with Queen Elizabeth II.
Was she the head of an institution that should probably be disbanded? Yes. Did I still cry when she died? Was I obsessed with her outfits? Yes and yes. So when someone on Instagram reached out to me claiming to be Queen Elizabeth II herself, I knew it wasn’t her. Plus I wouldn’t have wanted it to be—if a zombie queen started texting me, I would be freaked the fuck out.
Luckily, it was recently Cybersecurity Awareness Month at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU), meaning I had to do a cybersecurity pop-quiz every time I went on MyServiceHub. Thus, I obviously knew better than to fall for some untalented scammer, even if it was allegedly coming from my girl Lizzie. However, I did have a lot of fun pretending to believe the Instagram scammer. Here’s what our conversation looked like.
Hello! It’s me, Queen Elizabeth the 2nd. I am currently stuck in London and I need your help. Can you help me? I promise if you help me I will repay you, XOXO.
OHHH MYY GOD LIZZIE! My queen, my main bitch, the wind beneath my wings. I thought you were dead! Literally everyone thinks you are dead. But here you are in my DMs…what did I do to deserve this honour?
My son Charles wanted the king crown so much he decided to fake my death. But I never actually died, they just told people I died. Now I’m stuck in London and I need $1000 to leave London to come to Canada and visit u.
Wowwwww that sounds like something that’s totally possible and not at all made up!
You are correct this is not made up. It’s totally real. Will you give me $1000 to leave England? You can send money through email and I will come visit you.
As much as I would love to meet a queen who has come back from the dead, I’m kind of a broke university student and I don’t think it’d be very smart of me to just send you $1000.
I’ll pay you back! As Queen, I am very rich.
Are you still rich if you’re technically dead?
Cuz I think your son might have all your wealth now. And I doubt he would be happy knowing you’re reaching out to a stranger on the internet telling them about how he faked your death.
My sweet baby Charles does not have to know. I can give you jewels or maybe a crown?
Well, as much as I would love stolen jewels as payment, that doesn’t sound very ethical sooooo I don’t think I’m gonna be sending you that money.
But because you are alive, if you want to pay me back from the “forever in our hearts” remembrance sweater I bought with your face on it I would be very grateful. It was 30 British pounds <3
I don’t give you money, you lend me money.
Money can be sent through email so that I can find cheap tickets so that I can also bring Diana with me to meet you.
Hi! It’s me Diana. I am also not dead.
OOP! Girl, you are 97 years old and you want me to email you $1000 so you can come visit me, but you don’t know where I live.
Email is firstname.lastname@example.org
How about this, I buy the tickets for you and Diana who has been in hiding since 1997! Again, I totally believe that it’s actually you guys.
You fly and meet me and you can repay me by buying my hot chocolate with the extra $2 for whipped cream at Balzac’s.
Do we have a deal?
No! Send the money through email!! Diana does not trust you!!
Damn, what did I ever do to Diana for her not to trust me? I didn’t cheat on her, I wasn’t even alive when she “died”
She is not dead and she does not trust you to buy the tickets. Send money through email.
It’s me, Diana. Send the money to Queen Elizabeth’s email and then I will trust you.
Oh okay, once I give you the money you will trust me?
Let me ask her
It’s Diana again. You give us money, I will trust you
You know what, now that I think of it, October was my school’s cyber safety month so how do I know that you’re not just someone from TMU trying to show me the danger of the internet!
I AM QUEEN ELIZABETH…I told you this, do you not trust me?
Well you know what, I’m Queen Elizabeth and you should give me $1000
Diana and I are very disappointed in this response
Hello,it’s me Diana again, and I am very disappointed in you.
When will you send money?
I’m not giving you any money!
I hate to tell you this but you are both DEAD! So you don’t need my money
You have been blocked by @iamalivequeenelizabethII1234
Being a university student in November sucks. You have about a million things to get done. Your stress and anxiety are shooting through the roof, and through all of this, you still need to find time for your part-time job and friends. The last thing you need to worry about is some scammer on the internet who probably lives in their parent’s basement asking you for money. The moral of the story is don’t be stupid. Queen Elizabeth is dead and no one wants your money!