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Cartoon of a jack-o-lantern wearing a santa hat and sitting in a snow covered environment
All Fun & Satire

TMU students are finding Christmas scarier than Halloween

By Joshua Chang

Disclaimer: All names and claims in this story have been created for satirical purposes. 

Some Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) students are more terrified of the upcoming Christmas festivities than they are of horror movies and haunted houses. 

The holiday season changeover is already underway as houses begin to throw out their rotting jack-o-lanterns and TMU students crowd the Metro on Gould Street to buy discounted Halloween candy. 

Dismay has spread throughout TMU’s campus as students brace for the impact of “holiday fear.” 

“I’m not ready to start hearing All I Want For Christmas Is You everywhere,” insisted fourth-year language and intercultural relations student Jaclyn Bailey. “And why are we not given enough time to mourn the loss of our last-minute Halloween costumes? Do you know how much time and money I spent making my Wednesday Addams costume?” 

Bailey—an avid Halloween enthusiast—admits to throwing herself at the feet of a concerned Costco cashier and begging them to play Calling All The Monsters one last time. 

“It was hearing the jingle bells at the beginning of the song that sent me over the edge,” said Bailey. “I guess I just wasn’t prepared for Mariah Carey to defrost so quickly.” 

“If anything, the concept of relying on being a clown to make ends meet is scarier” 

Other students have expressed concerns about the festivities themselves. 

“People have already started telling me what they’re gifting their friends and families this Christmas,” whispered first-year photography student Mason Iszanta. “I’m trying to figure out a way to convince my friends to lower our $60 Secret Santa budget this year.” 

Iszanta’s fear of the winter holidays originated in the second grade when his teacher put on How the Grinch Stole Christmas. While the Grinch himself was initially unsettling, what terrified him more was the film’s unrealistic beauty standard. 

“I’ll never look quite like the citizens of Whoville,” he sighed.

In a survey conducted by The Eyeopener, results showed that over 80 per cent of students find Christmas shopping scarier than haunted houses. 

“What’s scary about a broke university student in Dollar Tree makeup?” Iszanta asked with a shrug. “If anything, the concept of relying on being a clown to make ends meet is scarier.” 

Furthermore, he believes the overall stress of fighting for the last item on the shelf and the possibility of getting hit by a senior citizen with a roll of wrapping paper is worse than the stress involved in watching a classic Halloween horror flick. 

“All I’m saying is that you’re probably more likely to get trampled in a Home Depot the week before Christmas than you would be sitting on the couch in front of the TV,” said Iszanta. 

Fourth-year architecture student Heather Park has different reasons to resent the rapid approach of the holidays. 

Park—the oldest of six children—explained how she always ends up organizing the Christmas traditions for her family despite being a self-declared “Ebenezer Scrooge.” 

“My car is constantly frozen shut, I always get harassed by my aunties for not having a boyfriend and don’t even get me started on holiday shopping. It’s an all-out war,” said Park. “Just last week, I had to cuss someone out for body-checking me out of the spice aisle for the last container of ginger.” 

“It’ll be hard to reach the end zone, but I think students will eventually be able to come to a tight end” 

Park claims to have been a “holiday hater since day one” after being fired from Winners last Christmas Eve for telling a customer to “choke on a candy cane.” 

“What was I supposed to do if we didn’t have any more Home Accent Gold Holiday Reindeers?” she retorted. “Fly to the North Pole and find one?” 

Despite all of the tension that surrounds the holiday season, TMU creative industries professor Travis Kelce encourages students to be kind while vigilant—as early as they can. 

“This time of year can be stressful. Dealing with the busyness of the holidays as they approach while trying to keep up with the semester is bound to intercept your schedules,” said Kelce. “But I also think it’s important for students to accept this season with open arms and take the time to appreciate it for the joy it brings!” 

“It’ll be hard to reach the end zone,” said Kelce. “But I think students will eventually be able to come to a tight end.” 

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