Toronto Metropolitan University's Independent Student Newspaper Since 1967

Raccoon holding a pair of pliers in front of a backdrop of Yonge-Dundas Square
All Fun & Satire

Sparks fly as Toronto raccoon causes citywide power outage

By Joshua Chang

A shocking turn of events came to be on Thursday night after a raccoon single-handedly killed the power in massive portions of Toronto. 

Hydro One, the affected electricity transmission and distribution service provider (a.k.a. big station, give light to lamp), announced in a statement on the social platform X that the raccoon had “made contact” with the equipment at one of their downtown Toronto stations. 

As a result, approximately 7,000 flabbergasted Hydro One customers instantly lost their power to the hands (or teeth) of the not-a-rodent. 

“Not me here like we’re under cyber attack,” wept The Eyeopener’s editor-in-chief Negin Khodayari upon the initial announcement of the raccoon’s crimes. 

Raccoons, commonly referred to as trash pandas, are notorious for digging into people’s trash—and looking like pandas. Thus, is it really a surprise that it found its way into the garbage that is this city’s electricity provider?

“Is the raccoon, like, fried raccoon right now?”

Citizens in the Greater Toronto Area, both affected and unaffected by the city’s least favourite garbage mammal, immediately took to commenting on the matter.

“This city is not real,” said The Eye’s business & technology editor Jake MacAndrew.

Ilyas Hussein, one of The Eye’s sports editors, claimed to have “found our suspect.” 

Hussein, having rushed at the opportunity to find the culprit of the city’s electricity eviction, provided The Eye with a video that he alleged depicted the fuzzy bandit red-handed. Or in this case, red-pawed. 

The evidence was later proven to be false. 

After getting over the initial surprise of the passing events, people began to express their concerns for the raccoon’s wellbeing. 

“Do y’all think he died of shock?” asked one of The Eye’s news editors, Gabriela Silva Ponte. 

Bana Yirgalem, The Eye’s communities editor, added to the burning questions. “Is the raccoon, like, fried raccoon right now?” 

The status of the raccoon, though he likely is indeed a “fried raccoon,” is unknown at this time.

Despite the negative impact of this mischievous mammal, Torontonians have regained their power after a paw-sitively electrifying experience. 

Leave a Reply